Many people go on journeys. You can set out to the Grand Canyon or climb your way to the top of a mountain. Your scariest journey may just be walking down the isle on your wedding day...lol
I feel like I have been on a journey for a number of years, one that I have yet to find the end of. My journey is in faith.
I know that this journey is never ending. I realize the path has numerous twists and turns and that sometimes I over think it. You would think that it should be easier, believe and you are saved.
I will say outright that I am a Christian. So to all of those who hold other beliefs you can continue knowing that fact.
I went to church as a child, I went to church as a teen. I was baptised and confirmed in my faith. And that is pretty much where the story ends. I have a feeling that I am not the only one whose journey in faith stalled at this point.
I think as we become adults we bring everything into question. I never questioned my faith I just questioned the building I was supposed to enter to "show" my faith to others. Yes, as you can probably tell....this is where my faith gets sticky.
Ive been thinking more about my faith as my children have gotten older. I admit that I have not done well in providing them with religious education. They were all baptised, the went to preschool in a church preschool, they were jumped around to different denominations throughout the years and never got a good grasp on religion. I think I talked myself into thinking that when they got older they could make up their own minds about what worked best for them. I didn't want to force beliefs on them but in the end I have left them without a firm foundation. Right now I am trying slowly to rectify that.
My husband is the exact opposite. He went to Moody Bible Institute and took Theology courses because he craves knowledge on all things. He has tried his hardest to get me to church and in the end he got "church" anyway he could without making me uncomfortable. We actually went pretty regular a few years back and I would have to leave the service because I would get panic attacks....yes...panic attacks! Who gets panic attacks in church? Me
Unfortunately this reinforced my crazy mind that I did not "belong" in church. That some higher power was telling me to leave (I know that is stupid) That I was not worthy.
Just recently, within actually the last couple of weeks I have admitted to myself that the reason I feel uncomfortable in church is because I feel unworthy. To much sin? To many questions? Not enough education about the church? I don't know.
I would see other people in church, you know the ones...the perfect ones..the ones who pretend to be perfect on Sunday morning and then....well you know. That made me sick to my stomach. People who I knew turned away from others in time of need....People who were materialistic and judgemental....I struggled with that...I did not want to be there and put a "face" on. I did not want to stand up and shake their hands only to be ignored by them during the week....Literally made my stomach turn.
My husband and I were speaking of this last Saturday night as I was trying to work up the courage to go to church on Sunday morning. He had just the right words for me...I cant remember what they are now..lol But basically the fact that I felt unworthy to be there was not such a bad thing. I shouldn't feel that I DESERVE to be in Gods house....there was a lot said between us but I don't think I could give his words justice by trying to repeat them.
My husband is a very giving man. He gives of his time when he can and has literally given the shoes off his feet...more than once. We sat a few times on our back deck on a Sunday morning and joked about "Tims Church" We would get into these long discussions about faith and family or something that he was learning....that was my church. That is where I felt at peace.
He volunteered for a few years at a christian based men's mission "Wayside Cross" in Aurora, IL. He basically worked with men who were addicted to drugs, abusers etc....He gave so much of himself.....and it did wear him down in a way. It was a very emotional, time consuming....worried in the middle of the night....phone calls at all hours...kind of thing...and it made me love him more.
I like this "working faith" I have a problem raising funds for new fancy million dollar churches...when money should go directly where it needs to go. I don't need to walk in and see 20 feet of stained glass...I don't want to walk in EVERY Sunday and hear about the new fundraiser that's planned for the new gym......attached to the church....
The final straw came to me one Sunday when my husband was trying to get people to attend a event to raise money for the mens mission. In a church of over 2000 people....not ONE person signed up for TWO Sundays......our neighbors and a few friends were the only ones to join us. Honestly that made me sick....It was a success but it could have been a lot more.
I really don't know where I am going with this. I have faith...I believe in Heaven...I believe that Jesus died for me and for you. I suppose I feel that I have not grown enough myself to be excepted. I feel unworthy to sit before God......as my husband says much better than I...We should all feel unworthy to some degree.
So I'm on my journey. Making some friends who seem rooted in faith...and not in a crazy way....Ill be having a beer with her soon.....lol.......I don't know where this journey will lead. I'm taking baby steps...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Nebraska Fan?
Last nights Nebraska game against Missouri got me thinking....What makes a good fan? Not just a "Oh the games on tonight..." fan, but a die hard, chew your nails...decked out in your teams colors..ignore your children fan?
I grew up in Nebraska. If your from Nebraska then you know that's all it takes to be a "Cornhusker Fan." If your out on a game day anywhere in the state you can hear the game..in the grocery stores...radio..pumping gas....at least that's the way it was when I was growing up.
If you were out on a Saturday and were not wearing red in some form or fashion you would get asked why. "Why aren't you wearing red? Are you not from here? Are you not a fan?" My father has these red and white stripped overalls and red cowboy hat that he used to wear back in the day. We had t-shirts and beer koozies, Nebraska flags and Nebraska rocks in our yard. We didn't think that was strange, that's just the way it was.
I have to admit that I have only been to memorial stadium once. I remember it was October and freezing....I don't remember who were playing, all I remember is the excitement...I was in awe..nothing, nothing has compared to seeing that game. Ive been to Wrigley Field...didn't compare..couldn't figure out why people thought the place was so great. Maybe if they came to Memorial Stadium they would say the same thing....I doubt it.
Ive lived out of state now for going on nine years and still and will always remain a die hard husker fan. Its amazing that if your from Nebraska you will search out other Nebraska fans wherever you are at. You see someone in the parking lot in WI with a NE shirt on...and you search them out...."You from Nebraska?" ---then the football talk starts..its always football. They might not have lived there for 20 years...but it doesn't matter, their your new best friend. You talk about how it sucks that you cant get any of the games on TV, have you ever been to a game? Do you still have family there? Remember the 80's?
Ive lived in Kansas-they have the Chiefs, Chicago-Bears, Cubs, White Sox and now Wisconsin-Packer territory.....I get asked a lot ......Bears fan? Packers fan?.....nahhh Husker fan!
Its not about their pay check...at least not yet. Its just football. Face paint, food, friends, a sea of red...balloons at the first touchdown....
This is an example of a husker fan.....When I first lived in Naperville IL there were quite a few games that I couldn't get. My sister would call me and set the phone next to the radio on her counter so I could listen to the game. Usually she would be in the bathroom....because when the game got to intense she couldn't take it and would have to leave the room...and if she was in the bathroom she couldn't hear the game. That left me screaming into the receiver when something good happened...only I wouldn't get a response for about two minutes until she got the nerve to come back out....it made for a long game.....Now if the game was actually televised she'd be even worse, pacing around the house, trying to talk to me...screaming with excitement and then trying to tell me what happened..which never worked...ugh.....
Ive had neighbors (Paul in Overland Park!) steal my Nebraska flag and hide it.... for that, un-known to him, drove around with a Nebraska magnet on his license plate for two weeks before he noticed....
I have raised Nebraska fans....doesn't matter that my girls haven't lived there forever. My oldest is at college in Chicago and we spent last night texting back and forth during the whole game...granted all of the text were not that nice... She is and will always be a husker! Doesn't matter her boyfriend was sitting in the stands at the Missouri game getting soaked in the rain....He goes to Missouri! But..being a husker fan, we will still welcome him at Thanksgiving...we will of course mess with him....but he will be welcomed...We will try to convert him to the red side.....
One of these days I will get back to Memorial Stadium. I would love to take all three of my girls to a game. Unless you've been there, felt that excitement...you just don't understand. I'm not even saying you have to be a Nebraska fan....if your the opposing team even....you see us as we are.....fans..not fanatics....old school...hometown...just bigger....small town...but bigger....friendly, loyal...a little crazy....always Big Red.
I suppose I didnt even answer my own question. What makes a good fan? In Nebraska you just are. And if your not...move to Iowa so we can atleast have another reason to not like you.
I grew up in Nebraska. If your from Nebraska then you know that's all it takes to be a "Cornhusker Fan." If your out on a game day anywhere in the state you can hear the game..in the grocery stores...radio..pumping gas....at least that's the way it was when I was growing up.
If you were out on a Saturday and were not wearing red in some form or fashion you would get asked why. "Why aren't you wearing red? Are you not from here? Are you not a fan?" My father has these red and white stripped overalls and red cowboy hat that he used to wear back in the day. We had t-shirts and beer koozies, Nebraska flags and Nebraska rocks in our yard. We didn't think that was strange, that's just the way it was.
I have to admit that I have only been to memorial stadium once. I remember it was October and freezing....I don't remember who were playing, all I remember is the excitement...I was in awe..nothing, nothing has compared to seeing that game. Ive been to Wrigley Field...didn't compare..couldn't figure out why people thought the place was so great. Maybe if they came to Memorial Stadium they would say the same thing....I doubt it.
Ive lived out of state now for going on nine years and still and will always remain a die hard husker fan. Its amazing that if your from Nebraska you will search out other Nebraska fans wherever you are at. You see someone in the parking lot in WI with a NE shirt on...and you search them out...."You from Nebraska?" ---then the football talk starts..its always football. They might not have lived there for 20 years...but it doesn't matter, their your new best friend. You talk about how it sucks that you cant get any of the games on TV, have you ever been to a game? Do you still have family there? Remember the 80's?
Ive lived in Kansas-they have the Chiefs, Chicago-Bears, Cubs, White Sox and now Wisconsin-Packer territory.....I get asked a lot ......Bears fan? Packers fan?.....nahhh Husker fan!
Its not about their pay check...at least not yet. Its just football. Face paint, food, friends, a sea of red...balloons at the first touchdown....
This is an example of a husker fan.....When I first lived in Naperville IL there were quite a few games that I couldn't get. My sister would call me and set the phone next to the radio on her counter so I could listen to the game. Usually she would be in the bathroom....because when the game got to intense she couldn't take it and would have to leave the room...and if she was in the bathroom she couldn't hear the game. That left me screaming into the receiver when something good happened...only I wouldn't get a response for about two minutes until she got the nerve to come back out....it made for a long game.....Now if the game was actually televised she'd be even worse, pacing around the house, trying to talk to me...screaming with excitement and then trying to tell me what happened..which never worked...ugh.....
Ive had neighbors (Paul in Overland Park!) steal my Nebraska flag and hide it.... for that, un-known to him, drove around with a Nebraska magnet on his license plate for two weeks before he noticed....
I have raised Nebraska fans....doesn't matter that my girls haven't lived there forever. My oldest is at college in Chicago and we spent last night texting back and forth during the whole game...granted all of the text were not that nice... She is and will always be a husker! Doesn't matter her boyfriend was sitting in the stands at the Missouri game getting soaked in the rain....He goes to Missouri! But..being a husker fan, we will still welcome him at Thanksgiving...we will of course mess with him....but he will be welcomed...We will try to convert him to the red side.....
One of these days I will get back to Memorial Stadium. I would love to take all three of my girls to a game. Unless you've been there, felt that excitement...you just don't understand. I'm not even saying you have to be a Nebraska fan....if your the opposing team even....you see us as we are.....fans..not fanatics....old school...hometown...just bigger....small town...but bigger....friendly, loyal...a little crazy....always Big Red.
I suppose I didnt even answer my own question. What makes a good fan? In Nebraska you just are. And if your not...move to Iowa so we can atleast have another reason to not like you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Life Goes On and On and On
Life goes on.
It seems like there is no possible way that a month has passed since my sister passed away. It seems like yesterday or at least last week that the entire family was sleeping by her bedside and scattered around the waiting room into the wee hours of the night (or nights)
Life has continued.
Her beautiful youngest daughter is continuing to blossom with pregnancy, her oldest just got engaged and the middle one is attempting to raise her puppy! I'm settling in out of state and winter is fast approaching.
The future.
Its hard to look out over the next couple of months and to guess what life will be like. How do you celebrate the holidays? How will we be when our nieces daughter is born without her grandma to coo over her? How will I not look in stores for the one special gift for my sister that we secretly gave each other every year at Christmas? Will we know the difference between tears of joy and tears of sadness when her oldest walks down the isle?
I suppose that lifes lessons are not always enjoyable ones. Who wants to learn how to grieve? Who wants to learn how to smile through tears? Who wants to learn to be happy about the little things and big things without guilt? So hard.
We've all survived the last thirty days. Life has went on, babies will be born, vows will be exchanged and the holidays will soon creep upon us. Our family will continue to grow...not only in size but in strength.
I think death can tear apart a family or can bring it together. I'm not sure much could tear apart this one though. We are all stubborn, loud and opinionated.....Jims sons and daughters with a little of Dawn thrown in to keep us grounded. We have passed this on to our children..the nieces (all of them) and our poor little nephew...hopefully he survives.
I have a little sign on my wall that I read everyday...because its there.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Maybe we all worry about the destination to much and don't focus enough on the journey. And maybe we should pay attention more to who is on the journey with us.
Family
Friends
Neighbors
It might be bumpy, full of holes and u-turns, but there is nobody in the world I would like to have had to take this journey with then the ones I have...
It seems like there is no possible way that a month has passed since my sister passed away. It seems like yesterday or at least last week that the entire family was sleeping by her bedside and scattered around the waiting room into the wee hours of the night (or nights)
Life has continued.
Her beautiful youngest daughter is continuing to blossom with pregnancy, her oldest just got engaged and the middle one is attempting to raise her puppy! I'm settling in out of state and winter is fast approaching.
The future.
Its hard to look out over the next couple of months and to guess what life will be like. How do you celebrate the holidays? How will we be when our nieces daughter is born without her grandma to coo over her? How will I not look in stores for the one special gift for my sister that we secretly gave each other every year at Christmas? Will we know the difference between tears of joy and tears of sadness when her oldest walks down the isle?
I suppose that lifes lessons are not always enjoyable ones. Who wants to learn how to grieve? Who wants to learn how to smile through tears? Who wants to learn to be happy about the little things and big things without guilt? So hard.
We've all survived the last thirty days. Life has went on, babies will be born, vows will be exchanged and the holidays will soon creep upon us. Our family will continue to grow...not only in size but in strength.
I think death can tear apart a family or can bring it together. I'm not sure much could tear apart this one though. We are all stubborn, loud and opinionated.....Jims sons and daughters with a little of Dawn thrown in to keep us grounded. We have passed this on to our children..the nieces (all of them) and our poor little nephew...hopefully he survives.
I have a little sign on my wall that I read everyday...because its there.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Maybe we all worry about the destination to much and don't focus enough on the journey. And maybe we should pay attention more to who is on the journey with us.
Family
Friends
Neighbors
It might be bumpy, full of holes and u-turns, but there is nobody in the world I would like to have had to take this journey with then the ones I have...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gotta Try....because my big sister says so......
Ok, So its been awhile...a long while....
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Waiting And Waiting
Oh...What a month its been...to bad I cant go into the details. Somethings you just cant put into words.
So...I'm back. I'm still waiting for spring to emerge..its seems like its taking forever. I think I spend have of my time waiting for something. Waiting for the alarm clock to go off even though I have been up for an hour staring at the blinking numbers. Waiting for the dog to slowly make her way down the steps so I can let her out in the morning to do her business. Waiting for her to come inside....again.
Waiting for my coffee to finish brewing..that seems to take forever. Waiting to hear the first signs of life from above me telling me that someone has decided to get up and get ready for school. Waiting for the weather to come on the morning news, because it seems like I have always missed it just by seconds.
Waiting for the yell from the top of the steps telling me that someone cant find something and that of course even thought that something is not mine, I'm supposed to always know where its at. Waiting for the bus to come...never soon enough.
Waiting for my three cats to leisurely make their way to the door to be released in the morning..and waiting and waiting....their slow as shit on purpose just to piss me off....you can tell they are taking their time rubbing up against whatever is near.....strolling along.....ugh....
Waiting for more hot water so I can take a shower (this is rare....usually I don't get in the shower until much much later)
Waiting for the washer to finish, waiting for the dryer to dry...waiting for someone to bring me their dirty clothes (you will wait forever if you wait for this) Waiting for you phone to ring so you can talk to someone over the age of seventeen.
Waiting for the computer to reboot because someone shut it down wrong..very irritating.
STILL WAITING FOR MY COFFEE...
Waiting for a good explanation as to how three children can walk around a pile of dog poop at the top of the steps without picking it up..hhmmmmm
Waiting for an explanation on how you can call a child's cell phone and they never hear it yet it always seems to be attached to their ear whenever you see them...another hhmmmm
Waiting for the evening..so I can lay in bed and wait some more for sleep to overtake me..so I can wait again for the all the previous waiting to start all over again...
Waiting for Friday for hubby to come home so I can recap all my waiting drama...and wait for some sympathy..waiting and waiting...
So much waiting to do...not enough time......
Post some of your waiting drama.........in the comments..it would be interesting to see what we are all wasting our time waiting on.....take your time....Ill wait........
So...I'm back. I'm still waiting for spring to emerge..its seems like its taking forever. I think I spend have of my time waiting for something. Waiting for the alarm clock to go off even though I have been up for an hour staring at the blinking numbers. Waiting for the dog to slowly make her way down the steps so I can let her out in the morning to do her business. Waiting for her to come inside....again.
Waiting for my coffee to finish brewing..that seems to take forever. Waiting to hear the first signs of life from above me telling me that someone has decided to get up and get ready for school. Waiting for the weather to come on the morning news, because it seems like I have always missed it just by seconds.
Waiting for the yell from the top of the steps telling me that someone cant find something and that of course even thought that something is not mine, I'm supposed to always know where its at. Waiting for the bus to come...never soon enough.
Waiting for my three cats to leisurely make their way to the door to be released in the morning..and waiting and waiting....their slow as shit on purpose just to piss me off....you can tell they are taking their time rubbing up against whatever is near.....strolling along.....ugh....
Waiting for more hot water so I can take a shower (this is rare....usually I don't get in the shower until much much later)
Waiting for the washer to finish, waiting for the dryer to dry...waiting for someone to bring me their dirty clothes (you will wait forever if you wait for this) Waiting for you phone to ring so you can talk to someone over the age of seventeen.
Waiting for the computer to reboot because someone shut it down wrong..very irritating.
STILL WAITING FOR MY COFFEE...
Waiting for a good explanation as to how three children can walk around a pile of dog poop at the top of the steps without picking it up..hhmmmmm
Waiting for an explanation on how you can call a child's cell phone and they never hear it yet it always seems to be attached to their ear whenever you see them...another hhmmmm
Waiting for the evening..so I can lay in bed and wait some more for sleep to overtake me..so I can wait again for the all the previous waiting to start all over again...
Waiting for Friday for hubby to come home so I can recap all my waiting drama...and wait for some sympathy..waiting and waiting...
So much waiting to do...not enough time......
Post some of your waiting drama.........in the comments..it would be interesting to see what we are all wasting our time waiting on.....take your time....Ill wait........
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Could It Get Any Worse...YES
You know when you wake up and you can feel that the day is just not going to go as planned? I had one of those mornings and I was right! It feels so good to be validated sometimes...
I woke up to one pissed of teenager and another refusing to go to school...again. I proceeded to argue and fight and lower myself to there level for a short time and then just gave up. Some days you just have to give up, its not worth the battle.
After getting instructions from my husband about what kind of baseboards I needed to purchase, I took my measurements to the local Home Depot where I feel like I have visited four times a day for the last two weeks. Once I was inside ( walking in the doors of course farthest away from the lumber, because all locations are layed out different) I found myself struggling to find the right baseboard. I'm squatting down reading UPC codes when of course I get asked if I need any help. This in a small way ticks me off because I'm in here all the time and I usually know what I'm doing. And I'm proud to state I can pretty much find anything in Home Depot with my eyes closed.
I show the guy working there the UPC code I have and that I cannot locate.....he couldn't find it either...this makes me feel better. We wonder over to the computer and he start fulfilling the prophecy of the "bad day"
The don't carry what I'm looking for. Am I sure I got the piece I have from Home Depot? Well, I think so.....where else would he get it from? We never go to Lowes......He went to Lowes.....the guy called for me, matched the UPC codes to them...and I was on my way...after getting paint, brushes, tarp and sandpaper.
I get to Lowes.....get the molding....get to the register.....my debit card wont work...it scans...the lady punches in numbers.....she asked if it was my card....YES! its my card....I go get my purse out of the car to get Tim's ATM card....(car is parked clear on the other side of the parking lot, farthest from the lumber exit...go figure) Tim's card doesn't work...the computer locks up...I write a check...she asks for my drivers license...expired yesterday..my birthday (my stickers coming in the mail) Now she really doesn't believe these are my cards or checks...I feel myself really getting irritated but realize its not her fault that her register is screwy....it all gets done and as she prints out my receipt you see the little pink lines appear on the receipt as it starts coming out....tapes out! Can it get any worse? Why yes, it can.
I make it home....get the first two coats of paint of the baseboards that are now laying across my island in my kitchen.
Ring Ring....Oldest daughter calling in between classes. Her car is dead in the parking lot of the YMCA. So I jump in my car and head down to try to figure whats up with that. The cables to the battery need to be replaced....you can see the corrosion...So I take her to school, call the car place, place a call to Tim to tell him how the days going..ha ha....and now I'm waiting for the tow truck guy to call.......hhhhhmmmmm how long do you think this is going to take?
OK, so I'm half way through the day and nobody has died. That's a positive right?
I woke up to one pissed of teenager and another refusing to go to school...again. I proceeded to argue and fight and lower myself to there level for a short time and then just gave up. Some days you just have to give up, its not worth the battle.
After getting instructions from my husband about what kind of baseboards I needed to purchase, I took my measurements to the local Home Depot where I feel like I have visited four times a day for the last two weeks. Once I was inside ( walking in the doors of course farthest away from the lumber, because all locations are layed out different) I found myself struggling to find the right baseboard. I'm squatting down reading UPC codes when of course I get asked if I need any help. This in a small way ticks me off because I'm in here all the time and I usually know what I'm doing. And I'm proud to state I can pretty much find anything in Home Depot with my eyes closed.
I show the guy working there the UPC code I have and that I cannot locate.....he couldn't find it either...this makes me feel better. We wonder over to the computer and he start fulfilling the prophecy of the "bad day"
The don't carry what I'm looking for. Am I sure I got the piece I have from Home Depot? Well, I think so.....where else would he get it from? We never go to Lowes......He went to Lowes.....the guy called for me, matched the UPC codes to them...and I was on my way...after getting paint, brushes, tarp and sandpaper.
I get to Lowes.....get the molding....get to the register.....my debit card wont work...it scans...the lady punches in numbers.....she asked if it was my card....YES! its my card....I go get my purse out of the car to get Tim's ATM card....(car is parked clear on the other side of the parking lot, farthest from the lumber exit...go figure) Tim's card doesn't work...the computer locks up...I write a check...she asks for my drivers license...expired yesterday..my birthday (my stickers coming in the mail) Now she really doesn't believe these are my cards or checks...I feel myself really getting irritated but realize its not her fault that her register is screwy....it all gets done and as she prints out my receipt you see the little pink lines appear on the receipt as it starts coming out....tapes out! Can it get any worse? Why yes, it can.
I make it home....get the first two coats of paint of the baseboards that are now laying across my island in my kitchen.
Ring Ring....Oldest daughter calling in between classes. Her car is dead in the parking lot of the YMCA. So I jump in my car and head down to try to figure whats up with that. The cables to the battery need to be replaced....you can see the corrosion...So I take her to school, call the car place, place a call to Tim to tell him how the days going..ha ha....and now I'm waiting for the tow truck guy to call.......hhhhhmmmmm how long do you think this is going to take?
OK, so I'm half way through the day and nobody has died. That's a positive right?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
No U-Turns
OK, so 39 isn't that bad so far. I only have one child who refuses to go to school this morning, there was no hot water to take a early shower and the dog just tried to bite off my hand while I was trying to remove a sanitary napkin from his mouth. Yeah, its going good so far. ( do other peoples dogs do this? Its a very common occurrence here, very disgusting I might add)
Its so nice that facebook reminds everyone of birthdays. Of course I have my birthday year set at like 1994 or something so I will only be turning 15 this year.....( yeah, I know I already let it slip that I'm 39!)
My daughter asked me if I felt old this morning and I have to admit that it didn't feel as bad as I thought it was going to. Of course next year will be another story. My sister reminded me in a card that I had only 364 days left in my thirties.....lets hope they go slow.
The thirties aren't that bad. While looking through everyones facebook information its interesting to see where everybody is at in their lives. Its also interesting to see what paths people chose to take. There are new moms with new babies, ones like me with children graduating, a few who are grand-parents already. There are people who were crazy in high school who are now missionaries and Reverends. A few are still taking classes to get degrees, business owners and a few adventure seekers. What wild roads we have to choose from.
It seems like its never to late to take another path. The road you start on doesn't have to be the path you finish on. There is always detours to take and pitfalls to avoid..but never U-turns. You cant go back and change the things you have done only move forward. Maybe not in a straight line, what would be the fun in that?
Soooo, I'm going to go out to breakfast, leave my youngest home to sleep (because school is soooo hard and wearing on her, yeah whatever) and enjoy my birthday. I'm going to look down a few roads and try to figure out which road wants to lead me into my 40's. I'm sure there will be a few rest stops along the way..a few detours...hopefully an adventure of two.....and I have exactly 364 days to figure out the map.....
Its so nice that facebook reminds everyone of birthdays. Of course I have my birthday year set at like 1994 or something so I will only be turning 15 this year.....( yeah, I know I already let it slip that I'm 39!)
My daughter asked me if I felt old this morning and I have to admit that it didn't feel as bad as I thought it was going to. Of course next year will be another story. My sister reminded me in a card that I had only 364 days left in my thirties.....lets hope they go slow.
The thirties aren't that bad. While looking through everyones facebook information its interesting to see where everybody is at in their lives. Its also interesting to see what paths people chose to take. There are new moms with new babies, ones like me with children graduating, a few who are grand-parents already. There are people who were crazy in high school who are now missionaries and Reverends. A few are still taking classes to get degrees, business owners and a few adventure seekers. What wild roads we have to choose from.
It seems like its never to late to take another path. The road you start on doesn't have to be the path you finish on. There is always detours to take and pitfalls to avoid..but never U-turns. You cant go back and change the things you have done only move forward. Maybe not in a straight line, what would be the fun in that?
Soooo, I'm going to go out to breakfast, leave my youngest home to sleep (because school is soooo hard and wearing on her, yeah whatever) and enjoy my birthday. I'm going to look down a few roads and try to figure out which road wants to lead me into my 40's. I'm sure there will be a few rest stops along the way..a few detours...hopefully an adventure of two.....and I have exactly 364 days to figure out the map.....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Redo- What Not To Wear
I was sitting here the other day and was watching one of the now infamous "What Not To Wear" shows. (First I looked around to make sure that there wasn't a hidden camera somewhere up in my plants, hidden amongst the dust bunnies) I retied my over sized sweats, rolled up my husbands sleeves on his old sweatshirt, and settled down to watch them slam some more people on their fashion choices.
As I sat there folding my favorite sweater (which is my husbands also) that I wear more than he does, and placed it on top of my favorite jeans (at least 5 years old) I found myself bonding with this poor lady on the screen. This poor lady, she was just out getting groceries! And they taped her in an outfit that I can probably be seen in any given morning at the grocery store. No makeup, hair under a baseball cap and running shoes.
(I have to admit, I was starting to squirm. I glanced around the room again looking for any sign of cameras or hidden cords. I adjusted my sweatpants again and retied the purple scrunchy in my hair)
They started instructing this poor woman, tugging on her clothes, scrutinizing her sensitive areas, fluffing her hair and I almost knocked over my stack of gym clothes reaching for the tissues I felt so bad for her.
After sending her out into the many "famous" stores (some of which she has probably never been into) with her prepaid credit card, you could feel her stress. A-line, not pleats, v-cut, soft lines, no stripes...don't even go toward that sportswear section! Ugh! The pressure.
By the end of the show I was feeling depressed. But of course after her personal shoppers came to her rescue, that famous hair stylist was done, she had been plucked and puffed and sprayed, she looked awesome! At least 10 years younger, 10 pounds thinner and she didn't have to spend a dime. She has a whole new wardrobe to boot.
Now what I want to see is how she is going to look in about a month. Right after her kids go to school, she needs milk and she hasn't yet gotten to take a shower. I'll envision this because it will make me feel better of course. Oh, I'm sure there might be some remnants of that little "frumpy mom into hot mama" makeover. But I'm hoping that her baseball cap will be in place, her husbands over sized sweatshirt will be back on and she will not have had time to do her makeup.
I will envision this...because I really don't want to face the day when I'm the only one dressed like that at the grocery store. I don't want the day to come where I feel I cant step foot out of my house with no make-up on. On the other hand, if someone wants to come to my house every morning, pick out my clothes, do my hair, put my make-up on, all the while making sure that homework is signed and the dog has been let out, and my workout clothes are folded, I could get used to that. Oh, yeah, and don't forget that credit card, personal shoppers to help me out, nail technicians, and the little surprise reveal every morning after I go through all this trouble. For some reason I don't think the girl at the check out lane at the grocery store is going to make a big deal about how "together" I look every morning and I doubt the people at the gym or gas station really give a crap either.
Ill put my make-up on, I'll do my hair and Ill wear something flattering. But I better be taken out to dinner or something if I'm expected to through all of that.
As I sat there folding my favorite sweater (which is my husbands also) that I wear more than he does, and placed it on top of my favorite jeans (at least 5 years old) I found myself bonding with this poor lady on the screen. This poor lady, she was just out getting groceries! And they taped her in an outfit that I can probably be seen in any given morning at the grocery store. No makeup, hair under a baseball cap and running shoes.
(I have to admit, I was starting to squirm. I glanced around the room again looking for any sign of cameras or hidden cords. I adjusted my sweatpants again and retied the purple scrunchy in my hair)
They started instructing this poor woman, tugging on her clothes, scrutinizing her sensitive areas, fluffing her hair and I almost knocked over my stack of gym clothes reaching for the tissues I felt so bad for her.
After sending her out into the many "famous" stores (some of which she has probably never been into) with her prepaid credit card, you could feel her stress. A-line, not pleats, v-cut, soft lines, no stripes...don't even go toward that sportswear section! Ugh! The pressure.
By the end of the show I was feeling depressed. But of course after her personal shoppers came to her rescue, that famous hair stylist was done, she had been plucked and puffed and sprayed, she looked awesome! At least 10 years younger, 10 pounds thinner and she didn't have to spend a dime. She has a whole new wardrobe to boot.
Now what I want to see is how she is going to look in about a month. Right after her kids go to school, she needs milk and she hasn't yet gotten to take a shower. I'll envision this because it will make me feel better of course. Oh, I'm sure there might be some remnants of that little "frumpy mom into hot mama" makeover. But I'm hoping that her baseball cap will be in place, her husbands over sized sweatshirt will be back on and she will not have had time to do her makeup.
I will envision this...because I really don't want to face the day when I'm the only one dressed like that at the grocery store. I don't want the day to come where I feel I cant step foot out of my house with no make-up on. On the other hand, if someone wants to come to my house every morning, pick out my clothes, do my hair, put my make-up on, all the while making sure that homework is signed and the dog has been let out, and my workout clothes are folded, I could get used to that. Oh, yeah, and don't forget that credit card, personal shoppers to help me out, nail technicians, and the little surprise reveal every morning after I go through all this trouble. For some reason I don't think the girl at the check out lane at the grocery store is going to make a big deal about how "together" I look every morning and I doubt the people at the gym or gas station really give a crap either.
Ill put my make-up on, I'll do my hair and Ill wear something flattering. But I better be taken out to dinner or something if I'm expected to through all of that.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Busy Weekend
We, meaning my husband and myself, started our latest project this weekend. We ripped out the entire entry floor and bathroom......ceramic tiles suck. It wasnt near as bad as we thought it was going to be..and very theraputic.
After a few trips to the local Home Depot store Tim began ripping up the tile. I have to say its pretty cool watching your husband get all grimy and dirty doing manual labor instead of sitting on the computer. It took about an hour and a half for us to get all the tile up, I say us because I actually was allowed to help rip the floor up. I think it was because his back was getting tired from leaning over in an awkward angle, but whatever.
We actually got through this project without any kind of snipping at eachother which was a surprise. I think the biggest issue was attempting to keep the kids and the dogs out of the area as we worked. Our date for Saturday night turned into me running to get Chipolte and beer, but all in all it went well. The tiles were set and all that was left was for him to do the final cuts in the morning.
Morning, my mother calls at 8:OO a.m. by accident thank God. We forgot to turn the clocks forward and realized that is was actually 9:00 a.m. and we had two hours to get the wet saw back to Home Depot.
Ok...we got it done. I found out that I grout better than my husband, and that I am a lot neater also. He worked on cutting the back of our new vanity cabinet so it would fit, and I learned that knee pads are a must when grouting a floor. The grout is not drying as dark as we would like it too, and I am a little irratated with that.
What a busy weekend. And next weekend doesnt look much better. Counter tops have to come off so the new ones can be installed...oh yeah...my toilets still sitting on the back deck...so that has to be put on and the sink has to be reconnected after I finish painting the walls in the bathroom....and there is just a little bit of grouting left to do.......and hes gone again....
Lacrosse practive starts this week, I have to go get my drivers license renewed....etc..etc....I hate Mondays.....
After a few trips to the local Home Depot store Tim began ripping up the tile. I have to say its pretty cool watching your husband get all grimy and dirty doing manual labor instead of sitting on the computer. It took about an hour and a half for us to get all the tile up, I say us because I actually was allowed to help rip the floor up. I think it was because his back was getting tired from leaning over in an awkward angle, but whatever.
We actually got through this project without any kind of snipping at eachother which was a surprise. I think the biggest issue was attempting to keep the kids and the dogs out of the area as we worked. Our date for Saturday night turned into me running to get Chipolte and beer, but all in all it went well. The tiles were set and all that was left was for him to do the final cuts in the morning.
Morning, my mother calls at 8:OO a.m. by accident thank God. We forgot to turn the clocks forward and realized that is was actually 9:00 a.m. and we had two hours to get the wet saw back to Home Depot.
Ok...we got it done. I found out that I grout better than my husband, and that I am a lot neater also. He worked on cutting the back of our new vanity cabinet so it would fit, and I learned that knee pads are a must when grouting a floor. The grout is not drying as dark as we would like it too, and I am a little irratated with that.
What a busy weekend. And next weekend doesnt look much better. Counter tops have to come off so the new ones can be installed...oh yeah...my toilets still sitting on the back deck...so that has to be put on and the sink has to be reconnected after I finish painting the walls in the bathroom....and there is just a little bit of grouting left to do.......and hes gone again....
Lacrosse practive starts this week, I have to go get my drivers license renewed....etc..etc....I hate Mondays.....
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Am I Old Enough To Have A Senior?
I just went yesterday and put in the order for my oldest daughters Senior pictures..
Ugh.
I have a Senior. When did she grow up? When people tell you that your kids grow up fast and to enjoy every moment, believe them. It doesn't seem like she has been on this earth for almost eighteen years. It just seems like yesterday.... (I wont go there, don't worry)
It has been a adventure watching her grow up. It has been interesting to see a child of yours develop friendships, and grow into a adult. Its also amazing that you cant control as much as you think you can. She has her own personality, her own beliefs, her own morals. I might have added to them in some way, but I don't know how.
She is herself.
She has been through ups and downs with friends. She has made sports teams and not. She has talked back to coaches when she shouldn't and held her tongue when she knew it was best. She has stood up for the things she believes, and stood beside friends who have made choices that she herself might not. She has become a young woman who I think has integrity and morals. Could I ask for more?
I'm sure there are things about my daughter that I do not know. I am also positive my own mother did not know everything about me until stories started slipping out over the years....it makes for great Christmas dinner conversation.
I don't think I have to know everything about her. I know what is important. I know I love her. I know I will be devastated when she leaves for college and will cry many tears. But...I also know that she is ready. She is a strong person who maybe has to actually lighten up just a little.
Being the oldest of three she has had to step into the mom shoes a couple of times over her eighteen years. She has set an example for her sisters who look up to her even if they say the hate each other. I think as the oldest you have a lot of responsibility that you don't even realize until you are older.
I wish I could go back and relive just a few days over of her childhood. Those years seem so far behind us. First days of school, cuddling when she was sick, and her endless humor when she was little...all the little comments that we rack our brains trying to remember.
I enjoy her as an adult now. I suppose that means that she has turned out well. I enjoy her coming home and talking to me late at night as she raids the refrigerator. I like hearing the stupid things her and her friends do or have done. I like remembering her and Katie having a donut hole, mouth stuffing contest on the beach in Chicago over the 4th of July......
I love the fact that she is who she is. She never tried to conform to anyone elses standards. She's dyed her hair, she pierced herself, she wants a tattoo when she turns eighteen....shes done fab at school, she has great friends and shes been an excellent friend in return. Could I ask for anything more than that.
The hair dye faded...but she had the experience...that's what has made her what she is today. A young woman,a strong woman, a loving daughter and someones best friend.
I will hate to see her move out of the house. I think it will take some getting used to not having to wait for the door to open sometime after midnight..(if I'm lucky) But Ill know that she is ready for what awaits her. I just hope the world is ready for her..she going to be awesome.
Ugh.
I have a Senior. When did she grow up? When people tell you that your kids grow up fast and to enjoy every moment, believe them. It doesn't seem like she has been on this earth for almost eighteen years. It just seems like yesterday.... (I wont go there, don't worry)
It has been a adventure watching her grow up. It has been interesting to see a child of yours develop friendships, and grow into a adult. Its also amazing that you cant control as much as you think you can. She has her own personality, her own beliefs, her own morals. I might have added to them in some way, but I don't know how.
She is herself.
She has been through ups and downs with friends. She has made sports teams and not. She has talked back to coaches when she shouldn't and held her tongue when she knew it was best. She has stood up for the things she believes, and stood beside friends who have made choices that she herself might not. She has become a young woman who I think has integrity and morals. Could I ask for more?
I'm sure there are things about my daughter that I do not know. I am also positive my own mother did not know everything about me until stories started slipping out over the years....it makes for great Christmas dinner conversation.
I don't think I have to know everything about her. I know what is important. I know I love her. I know I will be devastated when she leaves for college and will cry many tears. But...I also know that she is ready. She is a strong person who maybe has to actually lighten up just a little.
Being the oldest of three she has had to step into the mom shoes a couple of times over her eighteen years. She has set an example for her sisters who look up to her even if they say the hate each other. I think as the oldest you have a lot of responsibility that you don't even realize until you are older.
I wish I could go back and relive just a few days over of her childhood. Those years seem so far behind us. First days of school, cuddling when she was sick, and her endless humor when she was little...all the little comments that we rack our brains trying to remember.
I enjoy her as an adult now. I suppose that means that she has turned out well. I enjoy her coming home and talking to me late at night as she raids the refrigerator. I like hearing the stupid things her and her friends do or have done. I like remembering her and Katie having a donut hole, mouth stuffing contest on the beach in Chicago over the 4th of July......
I love the fact that she is who she is. She never tried to conform to anyone elses standards. She's dyed her hair, she pierced herself, she wants a tattoo when she turns eighteen....shes done fab at school, she has great friends and shes been an excellent friend in return. Could I ask for anything more than that.
The hair dye faded...but she had the experience...that's what has made her what she is today. A young woman,a strong woman, a loving daughter and someones best friend.
I will hate to see her move out of the house. I think it will take some getting used to not having to wait for the door to open sometime after midnight..(if I'm lucky) But Ill know that she is ready for what awaits her. I just hope the world is ready for her..she going to be awesome.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Depression
I suffer from depression. Yes, and I'm not afraid to say that I take medication also. I also get panic attacks if I am not on medication. But taking medication makes me depressed, because I don't like to think that I am living a medicated life. It is a crazy situation.
Its funny that over the years it has become more common for people to talk about depression, anxiety, low self esteem and medications. I remember in my twenty's that we used to make fun of all the women who were on Prozac. It now seems that we are a culture who takes medication for everything. I have been on numerous different things, given to me by numerous doctors who all had numerous opinions. I have been over medicated and I have been under medicated. I have been brushed off and ignored. The saddest thing is that for a few years I felt like a total Guinea pig whenever I went into a doctors office.
I actually started having panic attacks about the age of 28. Out of the blue, no reason. I would be driving in the car with my youngest daughter taking her to preschool and I would have to pull over to the side of the road. I would stop and take my blood pressure at the local Walgreen's because I thought I was having a heart attack. I took a few trips to the emergency room and saw my blood pressure sky rocket...until they gave me something to calm me down....Now dont get me wrong, I didn't go in there a nut case...I actually had pain and felt like I couldn't breathe and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had EKG's done..and then I got sent home.
So..they make you take some pills. No big deal. But then..I started having depression episodes. I would rack my brain, analyze my feelings, judge everything I did until I would just end up a total mess. A little corner of my brain is telling me to stop all this over analyzing crap...but another part is just not letting it go.
Its hard to explain to someone why you are not happy. I usually don't have much to complain about. I feel like I have the same pressures as most people, but sometimes I just cant seem to manage to handle them like I should. My personality I think has always been a strong one, so it bothers me that this is not something that I have been able to think my way out of.
I think one of the things I have to work through is realizing that I cant make anyone happy until I make myself happy. The problem with this is that...that is a problem for most women, not just ones with depression and anxiety. Its a very long process I will tell you that. I am now almost 39 and have been on and off medication for almost ten years. Unfortunately I'm sure I will be battling it for the rest of my life.
Its funny that I can see when I am slipping into a more depressive state,but cant hold it back, it takes on a life of its own. Winter is a killer for me. My close friends tend to see the edginess in me but not the depression. I have over the years been able to "put on a pretty face" when out in a crowd.
I am surprised that when I start talking openly about medications, depression and panic attacks how many people also suffer in some kind of way. It may not be extreme but there are alot of us. I know some people will say just to suck it up and quit complaining, quit crying but its not always that easy. I'm sure there are people who are on medication of some sort or another who do not need to be. But there are plenty of us who do. Its getting to that place where we can talk openly with people about that might make a difference.
I think I'm using this blog today as therapy. So basically I'm using you all. Ive wanted to write about this before, but never really knew what to say. I really don't think that I have written this the best way possible...Ive skimmed over a few things and probably left some things out. Everyone is different. Everyones symptoms are different....Everybody needs something different..but everyone does need a ear to listen. You don't have to fix a friends problem with depression or anxiety or whatever...just be there. Be there to listen not judge. Be there to encourage them to get help. If you see it before they do, ask them...tell them...that you are worried. Just don't judge a person for not being able to handle their emotions. We judge ourselves enough.
Its funny that over the years it has become more common for people to talk about depression, anxiety, low self esteem and medications. I remember in my twenty's that we used to make fun of all the women who were on Prozac. It now seems that we are a culture who takes medication for everything. I have been on numerous different things, given to me by numerous doctors who all had numerous opinions. I have been over medicated and I have been under medicated. I have been brushed off and ignored. The saddest thing is that for a few years I felt like a total Guinea pig whenever I went into a doctors office.
I actually started having panic attacks about the age of 28. Out of the blue, no reason. I would be driving in the car with my youngest daughter taking her to preschool and I would have to pull over to the side of the road. I would stop and take my blood pressure at the local Walgreen's because I thought I was having a heart attack. I took a few trips to the emergency room and saw my blood pressure sky rocket...until they gave me something to calm me down....Now dont get me wrong, I didn't go in there a nut case...I actually had pain and felt like I couldn't breathe and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had EKG's done..and then I got sent home.
So..they make you take some pills. No big deal. But then..I started having depression episodes. I would rack my brain, analyze my feelings, judge everything I did until I would just end up a total mess. A little corner of my brain is telling me to stop all this over analyzing crap...but another part is just not letting it go.
Its hard to explain to someone why you are not happy. I usually don't have much to complain about. I feel like I have the same pressures as most people, but sometimes I just cant seem to manage to handle them like I should. My personality I think has always been a strong one, so it bothers me that this is not something that I have been able to think my way out of.
I think one of the things I have to work through is realizing that I cant make anyone happy until I make myself happy. The problem with this is that...that is a problem for most women, not just ones with depression and anxiety. Its a very long process I will tell you that. I am now almost 39 and have been on and off medication for almost ten years. Unfortunately I'm sure I will be battling it for the rest of my life.
Its funny that I can see when I am slipping into a more depressive state,but cant hold it back, it takes on a life of its own. Winter is a killer for me. My close friends tend to see the edginess in me but not the depression. I have over the years been able to "put on a pretty face" when out in a crowd.
I am surprised that when I start talking openly about medications, depression and panic attacks how many people also suffer in some kind of way. It may not be extreme but there are alot of us. I know some people will say just to suck it up and quit complaining, quit crying but its not always that easy. I'm sure there are people who are on medication of some sort or another who do not need to be. But there are plenty of us who do. Its getting to that place where we can talk openly with people about that might make a difference.
I think I'm using this blog today as therapy. So basically I'm using you all. Ive wanted to write about this before, but never really knew what to say. I really don't think that I have written this the best way possible...Ive skimmed over a few things and probably left some things out. Everyone is different. Everyones symptoms are different....Everybody needs something different..but everyone does need a ear to listen. You don't have to fix a friends problem with depression or anxiety or whatever...just be there. Be there to listen not judge. Be there to encourage them to get help. If you see it before they do, ask them...tell them...that you are worried. Just don't judge a person for not being able to handle their emotions. We judge ourselves enough.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Skateland
Ok, Shon you got it...
The roller rink....oh what sweet memories. I would think that about everyone I knew growing up would remember Skateland. And if you didn't have a Skateland, I'm sure you had a Skate Palace or Skate World or something...
I think my friends and I spent most of our pre-teen years plus...skating. Panda party's, the dreaded couple skate, the slimy bathroom floors, the greenish looking hot dogs that came with a bag of chips and a pop for $1.50.
I think most people I know had their first kiss on one of the long red carpeted benches that lined the side of the rink. We would skate up and down the carpeted area searching and searching for our hearts desire....and if we couldn't find them, we just stared at the skate guards who we thought were so freaking hot!
We requested our favorite couple skate song and then prayed that we would be asked to skate..and prayed that the boy who asked us knew how to go backwards so we didn't spend the whole time looking over our shoulder making sure he wasn't going to run us into the rail...see we started having to give directions at an early age.
You thought the hokie-pokie was stupid, but as soon as it came on you were out on the floor making an ass out of yourself, its just what you did. You would beg your parents to let you go to the all night skate nights, then wonder why, half through the night....
We, meaning the girls, would squeeze our asses in jeans three sizes too small. This is of course accomplished by laying on the bed with a pair of pliers and attempting to zip your jeans up without pitching your skin in the process. We MADE our skinny jeans...by ripping out the seams of the legs and pulling out the old sewing machine and sewing them soooo tight that everytime you pulled them off or on your feet would rip out the seam....those were the days...I still feel the pain in my kidneys and bladder.
The walls of that place witnessed so many breakups, first kisses, broken hearts, make out sessions by the pinball machine that its insane. I think I have a garbage bag somewhere full of stuffed animals from numerous Panda Parties. Depending on how many people showed up determined the size of the stuffed animal you got. I think you also got in free or something..that fact is escaping me.
I think the last time I went roller skating at that rink was when I was about sixteen and bored on a Friday night with friends. I remember it being sad because the place was starting to really show its age and we hadn't been there in years. The place was almost empty...Loud music still blared from the DJ booth...I think the same guy was working who we once thought was hot....after he reached 18 we just thought him lame..poor guy.
I think the highlight of that night was that a guy I liked found out we were up there and came in and stood in the snack bar area watching us make fools out of ourselves. When I saw him I remember my heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was thirteen all over again....also felt pretty stupid.
I think it would be hard not to remember those years without thinking of Skateland. It was the thing to do, the place to go. We all had horrible fights with our friends, got boyfriends, lost boyfriends...enjoyed childhood...and lost childhood when they finally closed it down.
I still cant come to Omaha and drive on that road without looking over at that big white building and smiling. It holds a lot of memories...it also holds about 10 tons of wadded up gum stuck under those carpeted benches.....ick....
The roller rink....oh what sweet memories. I would think that about everyone I knew growing up would remember Skateland. And if you didn't have a Skateland, I'm sure you had a Skate Palace or Skate World or something...
I think my friends and I spent most of our pre-teen years plus...skating. Panda party's, the dreaded couple skate, the slimy bathroom floors, the greenish looking hot dogs that came with a bag of chips and a pop for $1.50.
I think most people I know had their first kiss on one of the long red carpeted benches that lined the side of the rink. We would skate up and down the carpeted area searching and searching for our hearts desire....and if we couldn't find them, we just stared at the skate guards who we thought were so freaking hot!
We requested our favorite couple skate song and then prayed that we would be asked to skate..and prayed that the boy who asked us knew how to go backwards so we didn't spend the whole time looking over our shoulder making sure he wasn't going to run us into the rail...see we started having to give directions at an early age.
You thought the hokie-pokie was stupid, but as soon as it came on you were out on the floor making an ass out of yourself, its just what you did. You would beg your parents to let you go to the all night skate nights, then wonder why, half through the night....
We, meaning the girls, would squeeze our asses in jeans three sizes too small. This is of course accomplished by laying on the bed with a pair of pliers and attempting to zip your jeans up without pitching your skin in the process. We MADE our skinny jeans...by ripping out the seams of the legs and pulling out the old sewing machine and sewing them soooo tight that everytime you pulled them off or on your feet would rip out the seam....those were the days...I still feel the pain in my kidneys and bladder.
The walls of that place witnessed so many breakups, first kisses, broken hearts, make out sessions by the pinball machine that its insane. I think I have a garbage bag somewhere full of stuffed animals from numerous Panda Parties. Depending on how many people showed up determined the size of the stuffed animal you got. I think you also got in free or something..that fact is escaping me.
I think the last time I went roller skating at that rink was when I was about sixteen and bored on a Friday night with friends. I remember it being sad because the place was starting to really show its age and we hadn't been there in years. The place was almost empty...Loud music still blared from the DJ booth...I think the same guy was working who we once thought was hot....after he reached 18 we just thought him lame..poor guy.
I think the highlight of that night was that a guy I liked found out we were up there and came in and stood in the snack bar area watching us make fools out of ourselves. When I saw him I remember my heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was thirteen all over again....also felt pretty stupid.
I think it would be hard not to remember those years without thinking of Skateland. It was the thing to do, the place to go. We all had horrible fights with our friends, got boyfriends, lost boyfriends...enjoyed childhood...and lost childhood when they finally closed it down.
I still cant come to Omaha and drive on that road without looking over at that big white building and smiling. It holds a lot of memories...it also holds about 10 tons of wadded up gum stuck under those carpeted benches.....ick....
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Work In Progress
Ok, just so we get this straight..I am a work in progress.
I told my husband today that I would start going to the gym tommorrow and start getting on the treadmill or the elliptical. We need to find a common interest so when he comes home on the weekends we have something that we can do together. Its really sad that we both dont like to shop.
He has been running for about six months now and has dropped a shit load of weight and is looking smokin! Me on the other hand is allergic to the gym, cant stand to run and likes to have a few beers at night to calm my nerves, oh yeah, and I smoke.
Its a match made in heaven I tell you.
I really want to get in shape. I really want to be able to run beside him and have my body not feel like its going to fall apart. It just seems like these kind of things come easy for him. Not easy like he doesnt have to work for it, but easy as in he sets his mind to something and follows through. Usually this lasts until he gets bored with it, and then hes on to something new. My problem is I think about it to much, and talk myself out of it. I think I am afraid of failure.
I fail at diets, I fail at long term workout sessions. Ive been to the gym at 5:45 and kept it up for about six weeks and then something happens...doesnt take much and Im back in my pajamas until ten o'clock.
I really need to do something. I think that it would help my mood and how my body feels, but ohhhh how I hate the gym. I take medication for anxiety and I really think that if I would get to the gym and work out my frustrations there and release some tension, I might be able stay off of them...that is a big goal, because I hate medication.
Soooo, I told my husband that next saturday I would walk/jog with him......and Im really going to try not to back out this time. It would be much easier if I could get up in the morning and not have to get into a freezing ass car..but I will try.
He might lap me a few times when we go, but I HAVE to go.
HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO....see Im talking myself into it.....Ill let you know how it goes...next Saturday...I suppose if I never bring this up again we will all know how this worked out. If I do mention it again Im sure it will include me complaining about something...like my back and my feet..
Ugh.....I am going to get up in the morning and go to the gym.....really....I mean it....ugh.
I told my husband today that I would start going to the gym tommorrow and start getting on the treadmill or the elliptical. We need to find a common interest so when he comes home on the weekends we have something that we can do together. Its really sad that we both dont like to shop.
He has been running for about six months now and has dropped a shit load of weight and is looking smokin! Me on the other hand is allergic to the gym, cant stand to run and likes to have a few beers at night to calm my nerves, oh yeah, and I smoke.
Its a match made in heaven I tell you.
I really want to get in shape. I really want to be able to run beside him and have my body not feel like its going to fall apart. It just seems like these kind of things come easy for him. Not easy like he doesnt have to work for it, but easy as in he sets his mind to something and follows through. Usually this lasts until he gets bored with it, and then hes on to something new. My problem is I think about it to much, and talk myself out of it. I think I am afraid of failure.
I fail at diets, I fail at long term workout sessions. Ive been to the gym at 5:45 and kept it up for about six weeks and then something happens...doesnt take much and Im back in my pajamas until ten o'clock.
I really need to do something. I think that it would help my mood and how my body feels, but ohhhh how I hate the gym. I take medication for anxiety and I really think that if I would get to the gym and work out my frustrations there and release some tension, I might be able stay off of them...that is a big goal, because I hate medication.
Soooo, I told my husband that next saturday I would walk/jog with him......and Im really going to try not to back out this time. It would be much easier if I could get up in the morning and not have to get into a freezing ass car..but I will try.
He might lap me a few times when we go, but I HAVE to go.
HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO....see Im talking myself into it.....Ill let you know how it goes...next Saturday...I suppose if I never bring this up again we will all know how this worked out. If I do mention it again Im sure it will include me complaining about something...like my back and my feet..
Ugh.....I am going to get up in the morning and go to the gym.....really....I mean it....ugh.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Mirror,Mirror On The Wall
I was talking to a friend of mine last night who had read my last blog entry about NOT turning forty. She said the funniest thing that was so true....She said that she feels twenty-five all day until she gets out of the shower naked and looks in the mirror! How true is that?!
Why is it so hard for woman to accept their bodies? Im supposed to be teaching my daughters to love theirs, to respect them....but Im constantly trying to change mine. I think we grow up thinking that we have to fit into a certain mold. I really dont think that the media influenced my thinking this way. I think it got passed down through the generations. How many of your mothers were on the cabbage soup diet?
I remember my mother trying every diet out there. I remember her looking "smokin" at my wedding after she had taken off what she thought was extra weight. I remember her going to the gym after work with her friends, she was always trying, always battleing.
Nothings changed. I see woman who dont need to lose a pound at the gym sweating away...(when I go...thats another story) I see woman picking over salads who need to eat a few cupcakes. Is there ever an ideal weight in our own eyes? I mean a realistic one? Id love to lose 20 pounds. Ive did this a few times. How did I get to the twenty pound number? well....that would put me at where I was at when I got married.
Ok, common sense says...youve had three children, your not twenty years old anymore...I know that. I think that weight represents a time where I was really happy with myself. I felt attractive to my husband, I felt young and full of energy.
Who wouldnt want that back.
I know that even if I do manage to get the twenty pounds off, I am probably not going to feel like Im twenty inside again. When I get out of the shower things are still not going to look like they did back then...
Maybe we should all go on a brain diet. Lose the crap is our heads that tells us we are not beautiful. Lose the image off ourselves at twenty, and just try to become the best person we can be at the age we are. Stop mentally kicking ourselves for eating a cookie and having a beer. Learn to burn calories with laughter. Somehow I think that would be healthier for alot of people. Diet your brain first, then the outside. Whos going to remember what size of jeans you wore when you die? No, they'll remember what made you, you. Was it a funny joke? They way you laughed? How much you cared for others? Or was is that you weighed as much as you did on your wedding day?
I know this is easier said then done. I myself am a work in progress. Trying to set a good example for three girls...Thats tough in itself.
I think I have three beautiful daughters inside and out (given the day! ha ha) I wish I could shake them and tell them that one day they will dream they still had the bodies they have now. I want to tell them to focus on the inside a little more then the outside, because that it what is important in the long run. But they are teenagers....so Im not sure what part of that will sink in.
Im sure many more teens will learn the recipe to The Cabbage Soup Diet over the years, Im sure many more will ponder in the mirror about what they want to change...
I just hope when we ALL grow up we can look in the mirror and hopefully say that our hearts are good, our spirit is good, our love is good...and realize that the people we love and who love us unconditionally dont care what our outside package looks like..because if they do..care THAT much about it.....they arent the type of people you should want around anyway.
Why is it so hard for woman to accept their bodies? Im supposed to be teaching my daughters to love theirs, to respect them....but Im constantly trying to change mine. I think we grow up thinking that we have to fit into a certain mold. I really dont think that the media influenced my thinking this way. I think it got passed down through the generations. How many of your mothers were on the cabbage soup diet?
I remember my mother trying every diet out there. I remember her looking "smokin" at my wedding after she had taken off what she thought was extra weight. I remember her going to the gym after work with her friends, she was always trying, always battleing.
Nothings changed. I see woman who dont need to lose a pound at the gym sweating away...(when I go...thats another story) I see woman picking over salads who need to eat a few cupcakes. Is there ever an ideal weight in our own eyes? I mean a realistic one? Id love to lose 20 pounds. Ive did this a few times. How did I get to the twenty pound number? well....that would put me at where I was at when I got married.
Ok, common sense says...youve had three children, your not twenty years old anymore...I know that. I think that weight represents a time where I was really happy with myself. I felt attractive to my husband, I felt young and full of energy.
Who wouldnt want that back.
I know that even if I do manage to get the twenty pounds off, I am probably not going to feel like Im twenty inside again. When I get out of the shower things are still not going to look like they did back then...
Maybe we should all go on a brain diet. Lose the crap is our heads that tells us we are not beautiful. Lose the image off ourselves at twenty, and just try to become the best person we can be at the age we are. Stop mentally kicking ourselves for eating a cookie and having a beer. Learn to burn calories with laughter. Somehow I think that would be healthier for alot of people. Diet your brain first, then the outside. Whos going to remember what size of jeans you wore when you die? No, they'll remember what made you, you. Was it a funny joke? They way you laughed? How much you cared for others? Or was is that you weighed as much as you did on your wedding day?
I know this is easier said then done. I myself am a work in progress. Trying to set a good example for three girls...Thats tough in itself.
I think I have three beautiful daughters inside and out (given the day! ha ha) I wish I could shake them and tell them that one day they will dream they still had the bodies they have now. I want to tell them to focus on the inside a little more then the outside, because that it what is important in the long run. But they are teenagers....so Im not sure what part of that will sink in.
Im sure many more teens will learn the recipe to The Cabbage Soup Diet over the years, Im sure many more will ponder in the mirror about what they want to change...
I just hope when we ALL grow up we can look in the mirror and hopefully say that our hearts are good, our spirit is good, our love is good...and realize that the people we love and who love us unconditionally dont care what our outside package looks like..because if they do..care THAT much about it.....they arent the type of people you should want around anyway.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Forty? I dont think so......
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I noticed that I'm not twenty five anymore. Why didn't someone tell me?
I had my mom on the phone last night and she started laughing telling me that she
was in the store trying to find me a birthday card and was looking at the "Forty!" cards...I'm NOT turning FORTY! She said she started laughing in the aisle when she also realized that I'm NOT turning forty! Thanks mom....
Most people assume that I have to be forty just because of my children's ages. My husband and I decided right after we were married that we shouldn't wait to have kids and only waited about six months months before we started trying. So I was six months pregnant when I turned twenty-one. The second arrived when I was twenty-four and our final one I was twenty-seven.
So now I have a daughter who is graduating high school when I am thirty-nine. I think I enjoyed being a young mom, it was hard, but in the end worth it. I just feel like I should be older....and I think I'm finally starting to feel older...
I cant imagine having little ones running under foot right now. I am amazed at my friends that are having their first and second child right now. I really don't think I could do it. I'm glad we did what we did, but man....I'm tired...
The biggest thing for me is to try to figure out how to have a life when I am about to turn forty...no this year mother! I have spent so much of my time being mommy that I really don't know where to start. I almost feel guilty trying to form a life for myself. I have more time, but I have no idea what to do with it. I could go to the gym, I could get a job, but what would I do?
I think the hardest thing is to realize that I am still young enough to do about anything. The weird thing is that mentally I am probably still twenty-one and haven't figured out what that is....I enjoy being a mom..but the complete neediness is almost over.
I think the hardest thing for a mom to learn is to put herself first. To take care of herself. The old saying "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is a very true statement. But finding what makes you happy is a hard thing to discover.
I can see how woman can take the road to botox and plastic surgery...somehow the outside isn't matching with the inside. You want to look as young as you feel and have others perceive you that way also. How do you embrace your age? I think I'm going to have a big problem with the big "4-0" I don't want to get older. I want to be young...I want to feel young...I want to do young things..but my body is saying.."Hey lady....your not sooooo young anymore.." SHUT UP!
So I think my mission this year...my soon to be 39th...is to embrace my age and be the best 39 I can be. I haven't quite figured this out yet. Take more time for myself, take better care of myself, become a newlywed again...my husband will like that..but ultimately to put myself first somehow.
Oh by the way, I want a kick ass 40th birthday party also...I want people to think "She cant be Forty!?" Wouldn't that be nice? I don't just want to not look forty..(even thought I know their are some awesome woman who are FORTY! I'm not knockin' you) I want to be younger in spirit. I want my outside to match my insides, and I want my insides to scream..."I'M YOUNG!"
I had my mom on the phone last night and she started laughing telling me that she
was in the store trying to find me a birthday card and was looking at the "Forty!" cards...I'm NOT turning FORTY! She said she started laughing in the aisle when she also realized that I'm NOT turning forty! Thanks mom....
Most people assume that I have to be forty just because of my children's ages. My husband and I decided right after we were married that we shouldn't wait to have kids and only waited about six months months before we started trying. So I was six months pregnant when I turned twenty-one. The second arrived when I was twenty-four and our final one I was twenty-seven.
So now I have a daughter who is graduating high school when I am thirty-nine. I think I enjoyed being a young mom, it was hard, but in the end worth it. I just feel like I should be older....and I think I'm finally starting to feel older...
I cant imagine having little ones running under foot right now. I am amazed at my friends that are having their first and second child right now. I really don't think I could do it. I'm glad we did what we did, but man....I'm tired...
The biggest thing for me is to try to figure out how to have a life when I am about to turn forty...no this year mother! I have spent so much of my time being mommy that I really don't know where to start. I almost feel guilty trying to form a life for myself. I have more time, but I have no idea what to do with it. I could go to the gym, I could get a job, but what would I do?
I think the hardest thing is to realize that I am still young enough to do about anything. The weird thing is that mentally I am probably still twenty-one and haven't figured out what that is....I enjoy being a mom..but the complete neediness is almost over.
I think the hardest thing for a mom to learn is to put herself first. To take care of herself. The old saying "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is a very true statement. But finding what makes you happy is a hard thing to discover.
I can see how woman can take the road to botox and plastic surgery...somehow the outside isn't matching with the inside. You want to look as young as you feel and have others perceive you that way also. How do you embrace your age? I think I'm going to have a big problem with the big "4-0" I don't want to get older. I want to be young...I want to feel young...I want to do young things..but my body is saying.."Hey lady....your not sooooo young anymore.." SHUT UP!
So I think my mission this year...my soon to be 39th...is to embrace my age and be the best 39 I can be. I haven't quite figured this out yet. Take more time for myself, take better care of myself, become a newlywed again...my husband will like that..but ultimately to put myself first somehow.
Oh by the way, I want a kick ass 40th birthday party also...I want people to think "She cant be Forty!?" Wouldn't that be nice? I don't just want to not look forty..(even thought I know their are some awesome woman who are FORTY! I'm not knockin' you) I want to be younger in spirit. I want my outside to match my insides, and I want my insides to scream..."I'M YOUNG!"
Sunday, February 22, 2009
An Old Friend
Old friends can be great, new friends can be great, but sometimes there is that one friend who steps into our lives and changes it forever. I think everyone needs a friend like this in their lives. One who blows in and changes sometimes the way you dress, you talk and how you think about yourself. This is only a good thing of course if your life needs a change.
Quite a few years ago I made my first out of state move with my husband and daughters to Overland Park, KS. We only had lived there a short time when my life was taken over (in a good way) by a bizarre first encounter with someone who would remain a close friend through another move out of state and a couple moves for her.
My first meeting with this soon to be good friend was at a neighborhood swimming pool that only a few of us in the neighborhood seemed to take advantage of. I remember sitting alongside the baby pool with my youngest daughter and seeing this tall, leggy, six pack, Italian woman walking toward me, in a bikini of course. I dont remember how the conversation started, all I remember is her telling me that I looked far too young and too in shape to be wearing this ugly one piece, cover your whole body up, prudy swimsuit! I dont think I even knew what to say. I remember knowing that she was the mother of my oldest daughters new friend and that she was the mother of four. I should have hated her on the spot for her body alone.
I think we started talking at the pool everyday, the husbands met, three of our four children were similar in ages and everything went from there. We went on vacations together (whole other story, those of you who know me well have heard the story of her husband Bill breaking his leg in Mexico literally 45 minutes after we arrived) She also took me bathing suit shopping, go figure.
She is also the one who was by my side after a awful cancer scare just a few short months after we met, who cleaned me up like only a mother would...and dried my tears when I thought I was going to have a hysterectomy at the age of 29.
She drew circles of chalk around our lawn chairs that we set up in the driveway and told the kids that they were not allowed within our circle until the dads got home (maybe not even then) She had me drinking rum and coke from a straw and ordering pizza for dinner on friday nights. She taught me I could still be a mom and sexy at the same time. I had my eyebrows waxed the first time with her and shopped without guilt.
Who doesnt need a friend like this? Weve been through job relocations, teens and tears and all of this through email and over the phone for the last eight years. I only spent a wonderful 18 months living near her, but I feel like I have known her forever.
I think everyone needs just one good friend who can recognize the needs that they will fill in your life. Who does this without asking for anything in return, who knows that even though you might not talk everyday that if you ever need anything they will be there. No questions asked.
Kim...yes I said your name, is the second sister in my life. She is an unconditional, always present not matter the distance, friend. She is the person who came into my life when I needed a strong friend to show me how to grow up without my family around me. She taught me things about being a mom and a few about being a wife. She taught me to put myself first sometimes in risk of losing myself.
That is the one lesson I think most of us have to relearn quite a few times over the years. I wish she was here, I wish she would force me out shopping and to lunch. I wish I could hear her yell at her kids and then give them a kiss. I liked looking up to her as a friend and wishing I could be more like her. Even though she is farther away, shes still in my life.
I just wanted to tell her what a impact she has had on me and to remind everyone that all it takes is one good friend sometimes. It doesnt always take a village......
Quite a few years ago I made my first out of state move with my husband and daughters to Overland Park, KS. We only had lived there a short time when my life was taken over (in a good way) by a bizarre first encounter with someone who would remain a close friend through another move out of state and a couple moves for her.
My first meeting with this soon to be good friend was at a neighborhood swimming pool that only a few of us in the neighborhood seemed to take advantage of. I remember sitting alongside the baby pool with my youngest daughter and seeing this tall, leggy, six pack, Italian woman walking toward me, in a bikini of course. I dont remember how the conversation started, all I remember is her telling me that I looked far too young and too in shape to be wearing this ugly one piece, cover your whole body up, prudy swimsuit! I dont think I even knew what to say. I remember knowing that she was the mother of my oldest daughters new friend and that she was the mother of four. I should have hated her on the spot for her body alone.
I think we started talking at the pool everyday, the husbands met, three of our four children were similar in ages and everything went from there. We went on vacations together (whole other story, those of you who know me well have heard the story of her husband Bill breaking his leg in Mexico literally 45 minutes after we arrived) She also took me bathing suit shopping, go figure.
She is also the one who was by my side after a awful cancer scare just a few short months after we met, who cleaned me up like only a mother would...and dried my tears when I thought I was going to have a hysterectomy at the age of 29.
She drew circles of chalk around our lawn chairs that we set up in the driveway and told the kids that they were not allowed within our circle until the dads got home (maybe not even then) She had me drinking rum and coke from a straw and ordering pizza for dinner on friday nights. She taught me I could still be a mom and sexy at the same time. I had my eyebrows waxed the first time with her and shopped without guilt.
Who doesnt need a friend like this? Weve been through job relocations, teens and tears and all of this through email and over the phone for the last eight years. I only spent a wonderful 18 months living near her, but I feel like I have known her forever.
I think everyone needs just one good friend who can recognize the needs that they will fill in your life. Who does this without asking for anything in return, who knows that even though you might not talk everyday that if you ever need anything they will be there. No questions asked.
Kim...yes I said your name, is the second sister in my life. She is an unconditional, always present not matter the distance, friend. She is the person who came into my life when I needed a strong friend to show me how to grow up without my family around me. She taught me things about being a mom and a few about being a wife. She taught me to put myself first sometimes in risk of losing myself.
That is the one lesson I think most of us have to relearn quite a few times over the years. I wish she was here, I wish she would force me out shopping and to lunch. I wish I could hear her yell at her kids and then give them a kiss. I liked looking up to her as a friend and wishing I could be more like her. Even though she is farther away, shes still in my life.
I just wanted to tell her what a impact she has had on me and to remind everyone that all it takes is one good friend sometimes. It doesnt always take a village......
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Untold Story
I was lying in bed last night and thought of something that I really thought would be neat to share with you today. I was going to get up and make sure I put all my thoughts directly on paper. It was such a great idea that when I told myself that I should really get up and write it down so I wouldn't forget, I thought to myself " you wont forget this, its just to damn good!"
I forgot. But, I swear it was great! It was funny and deep. It was cute but not mushy, it was perfect. Doesn't matter much now, because its long gone.
Ive been writing on and off as long as I can remember. I also remember that I loved my creative writing class in high school yet flunked the class. It wasn't that I sucked at what I wrote; its just that I didn't write about what I was supposed to. I have notebooks full of morbid poems and short stories of romance. I enjoy reading over the teacher comments in the side margins and reading the the compliments yet seeing that the grade was very poor. You wonder why the grade was poor if the comments were so praising? Because I was supposed to write about a leaf and I wrote about the death of my then boyfriends mother.
I could never conform back then. Maybe it was my age, maybe I was just stubborn. I think I was just a little of both. I really think the problem was that I didn't feel anything for that leaf yet I was supposed to write about it. As a teenager all you do is feel things. You feel your first crush, kiss and breakup. You feel the thrill of driving and of breaking rules. What I didn't feel is how the leaf was affecting my life. And since the leaf held no importance in my very self-centered teenage existence, how was I supposed to write about it?
I could write about it now. Ive grown up enough to realize almost everything has a story. Whether it is that leaf or the person down the street I don't know. I feel things different and can now put into words the thoughts that run through my head all day. What I couldn't write about then I can write about now because I have experienced the things in life that I needed to get to this place.
Sometimes when its quiet and I'm trying to fall asleep words will tumble through my head so fast that I find it impossible to relax. I will think back over my day and put the whole memory in story form. Sometimes the people and situations will change till I get the story to come to a conclusion that I feel is appropriate. I will change things I have said during the day and try to figure out a different way to say the things I shouldn't have. In my head I will say the perfect comeback to someones rude comment when hours before I was speechless.
But now in my head as I'm drifting off to sleep I have the timing just right and for once they are without words. It doesn't matter that it took me until midnight to think of it or that nobody will hear it but me.
I always told my mother that when I got older I wanted to write a book. I really thought that was what you were supposed to do if your passion was writing. So over the years I have started and stopped numerous stories. I have tried to write about things that really had no major interest to me, but stuff that I thought would have commercial value. Obviously that didn't work when I was seventeen and it still doesn't. Sure I could write about that leaf if I had to, but there wouldn't be much passion in it. Unless the leaf had landed on my lap as I was doing something else of interest, maybe then I could write about it.
I think we all have a story in our minds. I think we think up great discoveries, cures and answer some of life's biggest questions as we are drifting off to sleep. I think as I'm writing this I could probably think of a few more things to write about as soon as I'm finished. But the crazy thing is, the more I try to remember what I was thinking about last night as I was falling asleep the more it alludes me.
I think its sort of like that leaf in high school that helped me achieve that failing grade. There is a time for everything. There is a reason why I can think of the perfect comeback while I'm falling asleep and not during a time of confrontation. Maybe its a sign that I was better off keeping my mouth shut. Maybe that perfect little story that was running through my head last night will be better off being told many years from now. Its not that it wasn't important its just not its time to be told.
I suppose after twenty years it was about time I did that creative writing project that I was assigned. Now was the time for the little leaf to have its story told. That leaf held little importance to me long ago but now I have a reason to write about it that holds meaning to me. It wasn't so much a story about a leaf, but how that leaf helped me tell a story.
I forgot. But, I swear it was great! It was funny and deep. It was cute but not mushy, it was perfect. Doesn't matter much now, because its long gone.
Ive been writing on and off as long as I can remember. I also remember that I loved my creative writing class in high school yet flunked the class. It wasn't that I sucked at what I wrote; its just that I didn't write about what I was supposed to. I have notebooks full of morbid poems and short stories of romance. I enjoy reading over the teacher comments in the side margins and reading the the compliments yet seeing that the grade was very poor. You wonder why the grade was poor if the comments were so praising? Because I was supposed to write about a leaf and I wrote about the death of my then boyfriends mother.
I could never conform back then. Maybe it was my age, maybe I was just stubborn. I think I was just a little of both. I really think the problem was that I didn't feel anything for that leaf yet I was supposed to write about it. As a teenager all you do is feel things. You feel your first crush, kiss and breakup. You feel the thrill of driving and of breaking rules. What I didn't feel is how the leaf was affecting my life. And since the leaf held no importance in my very self-centered teenage existence, how was I supposed to write about it?
I could write about it now. Ive grown up enough to realize almost everything has a story. Whether it is that leaf or the person down the street I don't know. I feel things different and can now put into words the thoughts that run through my head all day. What I couldn't write about then I can write about now because I have experienced the things in life that I needed to get to this place.
Sometimes when its quiet and I'm trying to fall asleep words will tumble through my head so fast that I find it impossible to relax. I will think back over my day and put the whole memory in story form. Sometimes the people and situations will change till I get the story to come to a conclusion that I feel is appropriate. I will change things I have said during the day and try to figure out a different way to say the things I shouldn't have. In my head I will say the perfect comeback to someones rude comment when hours before I was speechless.
But now in my head as I'm drifting off to sleep I have the timing just right and for once they are without words. It doesn't matter that it took me until midnight to think of it or that nobody will hear it but me.
I always told my mother that when I got older I wanted to write a book. I really thought that was what you were supposed to do if your passion was writing. So over the years I have started and stopped numerous stories. I have tried to write about things that really had no major interest to me, but stuff that I thought would have commercial value. Obviously that didn't work when I was seventeen and it still doesn't. Sure I could write about that leaf if I had to, but there wouldn't be much passion in it. Unless the leaf had landed on my lap as I was doing something else of interest, maybe then I could write about it.
I think we all have a story in our minds. I think we think up great discoveries, cures and answer some of life's biggest questions as we are drifting off to sleep. I think as I'm writing this I could probably think of a few more things to write about as soon as I'm finished. But the crazy thing is, the more I try to remember what I was thinking about last night as I was falling asleep the more it alludes me.
I think its sort of like that leaf in high school that helped me achieve that failing grade. There is a time for everything. There is a reason why I can think of the perfect comeback while I'm falling asleep and not during a time of confrontation. Maybe its a sign that I was better off keeping my mouth shut. Maybe that perfect little story that was running through my head last night will be better off being told many years from now. Its not that it wasn't important its just not its time to be told.
I suppose after twenty years it was about time I did that creative writing project that I was assigned. Now was the time for the little leaf to have its story told. That leaf held little importance to me long ago but now I have a reason to write about it that holds meaning to me. It wasn't so much a story about a leaf, but how that leaf helped me tell a story.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Spring?
I love February! It's not just because I get mushy cards from my kids and if I'm lucky a romantic surprise from my husband either. Its because I consider this month the biggest "teaser" month of the calendar. By "teaser" I mean, one day its -10 degrees and the next day its 40. You might ask, "Why then would she love this?" Well I haven't quite figured that out either. I think its because it reminds me of being home in Nebraska. If you've ever lived closer to the center of the US you know that when the temperature reaches above freezing, you consider that a sign that spring is on the way.
I have lived in Kansas, and I consider that just to far south. All it does there in the winter is spread a nice layer of ice on everything and the whole place shuts down. And if you talk about North Dakota, all I think about is that they should really be part of Canada. In Nebraska you just get nailed with every weather system that is working its way across the US from all directions. That's why they say if you hate the weather there, just wait a day and it will change (sometimes its just a matter of hours) Compared to Nebraska, the winters since Ive lived here have been a breeze. My winter coat only comes out on rare occasions because if its not blistering cold with a wind chill in the negative numbers my sweatshirt is more than sufficient.
When February rolls around, I go into "Nebraska mode" and I'm already pulling out shorts to see if they are going to still fit from last year. That spring-cleaning itch starts and I try to remember what plants will start peeking through the ground first. The snow that's on the ground doesn't bother me much because I know that when it melts its going to leave everything nice and green underneath.
I suppose it seems odd to think that winter is at its end in February, but really what else do you have to look forward to this month? The sun comes out and it feels like heaven. The promise of spring is just around the corner. I don't have to wait until Groundhog day to become excited.
If you have kids, you re already signing them up for spring sports and trying to figure out carpool schedules. If you're going somewhere for spring break your plans are already made or you're checking fares to some sunny destination. If your not going somewhere, that tanning bed is looking like a good alternative.
The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is now over and your social life seems to be just a little less hectic. The kids become stir crazy and a trip to the mailbox is the only time you end up leaving your house if you can help it. Slushy boots and wet gloves litter your entryway and wet dog prints cover your carpet (maybe that's just me) Who wouldn't want this season over with?
So...Ill think of February as spring, just because it makes me feel better to think that winter is almost over. Ill imagine that when I wake up all the snow will be gone, and Ill pray that shorts from last summer will still fit. Ill imagine sitting on my neighbors back patio at 9:00am drinking coffee instead of talking to her on the phone because neither of us wants to venture outside. Ill just stay in denial. I know there is probably going to be a few more snowflakes that fall before March rolls in. If I'm lucky I wont notice because Ill be to busy trying to find shorts that fit in my closet.
I have lived in Kansas, and I consider that just to far south. All it does there in the winter is spread a nice layer of ice on everything and the whole place shuts down. And if you talk about North Dakota, all I think about is that they should really be part of Canada. In Nebraska you just get nailed with every weather system that is working its way across the US from all directions. That's why they say if you hate the weather there, just wait a day and it will change (sometimes its just a matter of hours) Compared to Nebraska, the winters since Ive lived here have been a breeze. My winter coat only comes out on rare occasions because if its not blistering cold with a wind chill in the negative numbers my sweatshirt is more than sufficient.
When February rolls around, I go into "Nebraska mode" and I'm already pulling out shorts to see if they are going to still fit from last year. That spring-cleaning itch starts and I try to remember what plants will start peeking through the ground first. The snow that's on the ground doesn't bother me much because I know that when it melts its going to leave everything nice and green underneath.
I suppose it seems odd to think that winter is at its end in February, but really what else do you have to look forward to this month? The sun comes out and it feels like heaven. The promise of spring is just around the corner. I don't have to wait until Groundhog day to become excited.
If you have kids, you re already signing them up for spring sports and trying to figure out carpool schedules. If you're going somewhere for spring break your plans are already made or you're checking fares to some sunny destination. If your not going somewhere, that tanning bed is looking like a good alternative.
The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is now over and your social life seems to be just a little less hectic. The kids become stir crazy and a trip to the mailbox is the only time you end up leaving your house if you can help it. Slushy boots and wet gloves litter your entryway and wet dog prints cover your carpet (maybe that's just me) Who wouldn't want this season over with?
So...Ill think of February as spring, just because it makes me feel better to think that winter is almost over. Ill imagine that when I wake up all the snow will be gone, and Ill pray that shorts from last summer will still fit. Ill imagine sitting on my neighbors back patio at 9:00am drinking coffee instead of talking to her on the phone because neither of us wants to venture outside. Ill just stay in denial. I know there is probably going to be a few more snowflakes that fall before March rolls in. If I'm lucky I wont notice because Ill be to busy trying to find shorts that fit in my closet.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Let me start out by saying that I live in a great neighborhood. I have great neighbors and I have met a lot of great friends. Everybody is just great!
Now, for that famous little word, "but..."
But, have you ever noticed that a neighborhood is like a time warp back to high school? You get sucked into all the gossip whether it's good or bad. You have grown women and men complaining about the people next door (sort of like that weird person who used to be in the locker next to you in high school)
What the lady up the street is wearing or more like what she is not wearing (like the Little-you know what-in high school)
And what about the guy down the street? Did you see him in that new car he just bought? (that would be the rich kid)
All kinds of gossip can suck you in. Before you know it you have wasted an hour or two over coffee discussing things about people you hardly know, just because it's entertaining. Maybe everyone gets sucked in because in some small way it makes him or her feel better about themselves. Maybe for just an hour or two you can push aside your own faults and focus on what your perceive to be someone else's. That little group you are having coffee with becomes your most trusted confidants, until you leave.
I've told my daughters many times that once you are out of high school things are a little different. Ive tried to explain that the little clicks that form in middle school and high school usually do not last a whole season once school is out. Kids go off to college; people get married and others just grow up. I try to tell them not to focus too much on trying to be part of a group, rather just have a good friend that supports you. You don't need a group of people who you call your best friends, you just need a true one. Yeh! That's easier said then done. What am I thinking?
I think its a woman's trait to want to be surrounded and accepted by other women. Nobody wants to feel left out, nobody wants to feel that they were not liked enough to be invited somewhere. Even at my age, I still feel that maybe I have did something wrong to someone or maybe wasn't nice enough when I don't receive an invitation somewhere. Its kind of like being the one who didn't get invited to a birthday party when you were in school.
Now, that's happened in this house. Try explaining to a five year old or even a ten year old why all her friends are invited to little Susie's party and why she wasn't. It's hard to do. First you want to call the mother and scream nasty words across a phone line, second you want never to invite that little brat to your house again. Third, you think, shes having twenty little girls there, whats one more?
But, you are a mom, and good moms don't do stuff like that. You calmly sit your child down and explain through her tears, that maybe little Susie was only allowed to invite a certain number of girls. Maybe her mom made up the list. Maybe the mean postman lost her invitation. Then when none of that works, because you will never have a good enough reason why, you take her out for ice-cream and a movie. Then you swear to yourself that little Susie will not be invited to your daughters birthday party next year. But then come next year she is at the top of the list because shes your daughters new best friend and she could care less about last year. And your daughter of seven keeps you from making an ass out of yourself for being stubborn and spiteful.
I don't think high school ever leaves us. I think whether you were popular, a jock, nerd or dropout, it stays somewhere inside of you. As your children grow you worry that they are not going to have enough friends or they wont be with the right group. You worry that someone will hurt them with cruel words or even just a cool stare.
Unfortunately, there is not much we can do about any of this. I cant count how many times one of my girls has come home broken hearted about something that was said to them at school. And amazingly, they get up the next day and go back and survive.
I suppose the lesson I took away from high school socially was that it is "Social" Its nothing more. I made a lot of good friends and probably a few enemies. The thing is, after almost twenty years there is only a few that I can name. They aren't the girls that wouldn't talk to me, they aren't the boys that wouldn't look at me. To me they are about worth remembering as I am to them.
High School is like a practice ground for life. You grow up and get a job, and someones going to resent you for getting it. You marry someone, and some ex boyfriend/girlfriend is jealous, you move into a beautiful neighborhood with beautiful neighbors and a beautiful school, and someone thinks you don't belong.
Sometime gossiping with a bunch of girlfriends is just the right medicine, and sometimes it can be what makes you sick. And its always good to remember that just down the street there is another group of women sitting around someone elses table maybe talking about you. What do you think they are saying?
I suppose there are just some things they you will never be able to teach. Somethings just have to be learned and experienced. Sometimes learning to keep your mouth shut is one of the hardest. Maybe if for one day we all stayed at home, sat down at own kitchen table, drank our own coffee while looking into ourselves for an hour or two, that might do the trick.
Now, for that famous little word, "but..."
But, have you ever noticed that a neighborhood is like a time warp back to high school? You get sucked into all the gossip whether it's good or bad. You have grown women and men complaining about the people next door (sort of like that weird person who used to be in the locker next to you in high school)
What the lady up the street is wearing or more like what she is not wearing (like the Little-you know what-in high school)
And what about the guy down the street? Did you see him in that new car he just bought? (that would be the rich kid)
All kinds of gossip can suck you in. Before you know it you have wasted an hour or two over coffee discussing things about people you hardly know, just because it's entertaining. Maybe everyone gets sucked in because in some small way it makes him or her feel better about themselves. Maybe for just an hour or two you can push aside your own faults and focus on what your perceive to be someone else's. That little group you are having coffee with becomes your most trusted confidants, until you leave.
I've told my daughters many times that once you are out of high school things are a little different. Ive tried to explain that the little clicks that form in middle school and high school usually do not last a whole season once school is out. Kids go off to college; people get married and others just grow up. I try to tell them not to focus too much on trying to be part of a group, rather just have a good friend that supports you. You don't need a group of people who you call your best friends, you just need a true one. Yeh! That's easier said then done. What am I thinking?
I think its a woman's trait to want to be surrounded and accepted by other women. Nobody wants to feel left out, nobody wants to feel that they were not liked enough to be invited somewhere. Even at my age, I still feel that maybe I have did something wrong to someone or maybe wasn't nice enough when I don't receive an invitation somewhere. Its kind of like being the one who didn't get invited to a birthday party when you were in school.
Now, that's happened in this house. Try explaining to a five year old or even a ten year old why all her friends are invited to little Susie's party and why she wasn't. It's hard to do. First you want to call the mother and scream nasty words across a phone line, second you want never to invite that little brat to your house again. Third, you think, shes having twenty little girls there, whats one more?
But, you are a mom, and good moms don't do stuff like that. You calmly sit your child down and explain through her tears, that maybe little Susie was only allowed to invite a certain number of girls. Maybe her mom made up the list. Maybe the mean postman lost her invitation. Then when none of that works, because you will never have a good enough reason why, you take her out for ice-cream and a movie. Then you swear to yourself that little Susie will not be invited to your daughters birthday party next year. But then come next year she is at the top of the list because shes your daughters new best friend and she could care less about last year. And your daughter of seven keeps you from making an ass out of yourself for being stubborn and spiteful.
I don't think high school ever leaves us. I think whether you were popular, a jock, nerd or dropout, it stays somewhere inside of you. As your children grow you worry that they are not going to have enough friends or they wont be with the right group. You worry that someone will hurt them with cruel words or even just a cool stare.
Unfortunately, there is not much we can do about any of this. I cant count how many times one of my girls has come home broken hearted about something that was said to them at school. And amazingly, they get up the next day and go back and survive.
I suppose the lesson I took away from high school socially was that it is "Social" Its nothing more. I made a lot of good friends and probably a few enemies. The thing is, after almost twenty years there is only a few that I can name. They aren't the girls that wouldn't talk to me, they aren't the boys that wouldn't look at me. To me they are about worth remembering as I am to them.
High School is like a practice ground for life. You grow up and get a job, and someones going to resent you for getting it. You marry someone, and some ex boyfriend/girlfriend is jealous, you move into a beautiful neighborhood with beautiful neighbors and a beautiful school, and someone thinks you don't belong.
Sometime gossiping with a bunch of girlfriends is just the right medicine, and sometimes it can be what makes you sick. And its always good to remember that just down the street there is another group of women sitting around someone elses table maybe talking about you. What do you think they are saying?
I suppose there are just some things they you will never be able to teach. Somethings just have to be learned and experienced. Sometimes learning to keep your mouth shut is one of the hardest. Maybe if for one day we all stayed at home, sat down at own kitchen table, drank our own coffee while looking into ourselves for an hour or two, that might do the trick.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I am not an ENGLISH major, so please forgive my bad grammar...and typo's
I'm a mother of three girls. I have a problem.
Trial and error is the direction I am going in at the moment. I have picked up many books (most of them half read) to try to give me some kind of insight into the complexities of raising three girls who are so totally different. I know that what works with one will not necessarily work with all three. I know that a soft voice with one can have the same damage as a loud one with the other. I know that a vicious look can send one into tears and the other slamming into their room. What I don't know is what effect any of this will have on them when they are grown.
Sometimes I wonder if I am grown-up enough for the role I have to fulfill as a mother. I still feel in some ways that I am an insecure child in an adult world. Self-confidence is a hard thing to teach when it is something you are lacking. I witness through my own eyes the effects my nagging has on my girls when I feel that they are not doing something I think is right. Whether its how they are wearing their hair, to the clothes they are wearing on their backs. So my question is how do you correct behavior that you do not agree with without smothering the child's individuality?
Is there a certain point where you just say, "Do what you want! Wear what you want!" and exactly when is this? Is it when they are putting black eyeliner an inch think around their eyes? Is it when they use a can of hair spray to slick back their bangs? Is it when they wear a tank top for summer with their black winter pants and sandals in December? If I tell them to change is that smothering their personal growth? Is the battle that ensues after I open my mouth with a negative reaction better then just letting them leave the house dressed how they want?
It seems that I am raising my daughters in a world that I don't really understand. I know that the media, schools, churches and experts all try to enlighten me with knowledge that I should find helpful. You can walk into any bookstore and find shelves filled with the opinions of others. But while I've been trying to read all those books, Ive discovered that I now have three teenagers living in my house. And I thought I was a fast reader.
While I don't feel that I have delinquents on my hands, I want to make sure that I never do. While I try to give my girls the space they need to learn from their mistakes and to carve a spot in this world, am I leaving myself out of that process too much or am I inserting my opinion where it is not needed or wanted? Or will my opinion really make a difference in the long run?
Well here we go. I'm not an expert, I'm not college educated, but I am a mother. I like whoever came up with the phrase "Domestic Goddess" yet I don't think that quite fits me either. I am a girl in a moms body. I am twelve and insecure, I am seven and scared of the dark, I am ten and have my first crush. I have friends but I am sometimes lonely. I have a husband who is the same to me as the boy I met twenty years ago. I have a father I think will live forever and a mother I wish I could be like. I don't have all the answers, but sometimes feel like I should.
Hopefully these following pages will be filled with what I call "Slices of Life" They are in no way a blueprint of what you should or shouldn't do, but more of a photo capturing my thoughts. I don't think I will ever know if I have did the "right thing" at any given time. I think as a mom I will always second guess every decision that I make. I will wonder "what if?" I know that kind of thinking is unproductive but it is inevitable. You may be able to get pass it, you may be able to forget you asked yourself, but it will happen, even if its just a whisper in your mind as you fall off to sleep.
I'm a mother of three girls. I have a problem.
Trial and error is the direction I am going in at the moment. I have picked up many books (most of them half read) to try to give me some kind of insight into the complexities of raising three girls who are so totally different. I know that what works with one will not necessarily work with all three. I know that a soft voice with one can have the same damage as a loud one with the other. I know that a vicious look can send one into tears and the other slamming into their room. What I don't know is what effect any of this will have on them when they are grown.
Sometimes I wonder if I am grown-up enough for the role I have to fulfill as a mother. I still feel in some ways that I am an insecure child in an adult world. Self-confidence is a hard thing to teach when it is something you are lacking. I witness through my own eyes the effects my nagging has on my girls when I feel that they are not doing something I think is right. Whether its how they are wearing their hair, to the clothes they are wearing on their backs. So my question is how do you correct behavior that you do not agree with without smothering the child's individuality?
Is there a certain point where you just say, "Do what you want! Wear what you want!" and exactly when is this? Is it when they are putting black eyeliner an inch think around their eyes? Is it when they use a can of hair spray to slick back their bangs? Is it when they wear a tank top for summer with their black winter pants and sandals in December? If I tell them to change is that smothering their personal growth? Is the battle that ensues after I open my mouth with a negative reaction better then just letting them leave the house dressed how they want?
It seems that I am raising my daughters in a world that I don't really understand. I know that the media, schools, churches and experts all try to enlighten me with knowledge that I should find helpful. You can walk into any bookstore and find shelves filled with the opinions of others. But while I've been trying to read all those books, Ive discovered that I now have three teenagers living in my house. And I thought I was a fast reader.
While I don't feel that I have delinquents on my hands, I want to make sure that I never do. While I try to give my girls the space they need to learn from their mistakes and to carve a spot in this world, am I leaving myself out of that process too much or am I inserting my opinion where it is not needed or wanted? Or will my opinion really make a difference in the long run?
Well here we go. I'm not an expert, I'm not college educated, but I am a mother. I like whoever came up with the phrase "Domestic Goddess" yet I don't think that quite fits me either. I am a girl in a moms body. I am twelve and insecure, I am seven and scared of the dark, I am ten and have my first crush. I have friends but I am sometimes lonely. I have a husband who is the same to me as the boy I met twenty years ago. I have a father I think will live forever and a mother I wish I could be like. I don't have all the answers, but sometimes feel like I should.
Hopefully these following pages will be filled with what I call "Slices of Life" They are in no way a blueprint of what you should or shouldn't do, but more of a photo capturing my thoughts. I don't think I will ever know if I have did the "right thing" at any given time. I think as a mom I will always second guess every decision that I make. I will wonder "what if?" I know that kind of thinking is unproductive but it is inevitable. You may be able to get pass it, you may be able to forget you asked yourself, but it will happen, even if its just a whisper in your mind as you fall off to sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
