Depression

I suffer from depression. Yes, and I'm not afraid to say that I take medication also. I also get panic attacks if I am not on medication. But taking medication makes me depressed, because I don't like to think that I am living a medicated life. It is a crazy situation.

Its funny that over the years it has become more common for people to talk about depression, anxiety, low self esteem and medications. I remember in my twenty's that we used to make fun of all the women who were on Prozac. It now seems that we are a culture who takes medication for everything. I have been on numerous different things, given to me by numerous doctors who all had numerous opinions. I have been over medicated and I have been under medicated. I have been brushed off and ignored. The saddest thing is that for a few years I felt like a total Guinea pig whenever I went into a doctors office.

I actually started having panic attacks about the age of 28. Out of the blue, no reason. I would be driving in the car with my youngest daughter taking her to preschool and I would have to pull over to the side of the road. I would stop and take my blood pressure at the local Walgreen's because I thought I was having a heart attack. I took a few trips to the emergency room and saw my blood pressure sky rocket...until they gave me something to calm me down....Now dont get me wrong, I didn't go in there a nut case...I actually had pain and felt like I couldn't breathe and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had EKG's done..and then I got sent home.

So..they make you take some pills. No big deal. But then..I started having depression episodes. I would rack my brain, analyze my feelings, judge everything I did until I would just end up a total mess. A little corner of my brain is telling me to stop all this over analyzing crap...but another part is just not letting it go.

Its hard to explain to someone why you are not happy. I usually don't have much to complain about. I feel like I have the same pressures as most people, but sometimes I just cant seem to manage to handle them like I should. My personality I think has always been a strong one, so it bothers me that this is not something that I have been able to think my way out of.

I think one of the things I have to work through is realizing that I cant make anyone happy until I make myself happy. The problem with this is that...that is a problem for most women, not just ones with depression and anxiety. Its a very long process I will tell you that. I am now almost 39 and have been on and off medication for almost ten years. Unfortunately I'm sure I will be battling it for the rest of my life.

Its funny that I can see when I am slipping into a more depressive state,but cant hold it back, it takes on a life of its own. Winter is a killer for me. My close friends tend to see the edginess in me but not the depression. I have over the years been able to "put on a pretty face" when out in a crowd.

I am surprised that when I start talking openly about medications, depression and panic attacks how many people also suffer in some kind of way. It may not be extreme but there are alot of us. I know some people will say just to suck it up and quit complaining, quit crying but its not always that easy. I'm sure there are people who are on medication of some sort or another who do not need to be. But there are plenty of us who do. Its getting to that place where we can talk openly with people about that might make a difference.

I think I'm using this blog today as therapy. So basically I'm using you all. Ive wanted to write about this before, but never really knew what to say. I really don't think that I have written this the best way possible...Ive skimmed over a few things and probably left some things out. Everyone is different. Everyones symptoms are different....Everybody needs something different..but everyone does need a ear to listen. You don't have to fix a friends problem with depression or anxiety or whatever...just be there. Be there to listen not judge. Be there to encourage them to get help. If you see it before they do, ask them...tell them...that you are worried. Just don't judge a person for not being able to handle their emotions. We judge ourselves enough.