Ok, So its been awhile...a long while....
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
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Oh, sweetie, you brought tears to my eyes. Just the idea of losing my sister - my best friend - is unbearable. I did have a heartbreaking death in my life 2 years ago and you're so right about the actual physical pain. I remember the thing I felt so often in those first weeks was that I just couldn't understand how everyone else in the world was going on as though nothing had happened. Didn't everyone know that the world had come to a screeching halt? It was doing the normal things that hurt so much I could barely breathe - having to go to the store for toilet paper, eating a bowl of cereal, etc. It does get easier, but even after 2 years, sometimes it still flies at me from nowhere. I'm sure you're making your sister very proud! Now, you can take in this next part or dismiss me as crazy - it's up to you. After my fiance Mark's mother died several years back, I had a dream that was so real and I choose to believe it was. She came to me and told me to comfort him and take care of him. Then she said to tell him not to worry because it's all an illusion and she's closer than we think. She compared it to the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. I find that very comforting. Maybe you can find some comfort in it too.
ReplyDeleteAmy Sanderhoff...
very good words! I like the man behind the Wizard of Oz curtain....so simple....and comforting....
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for what you are going thru and will be praying for you! My sister and I are not that close she is hard to get close to which is sad because I have tried and we don't live to far away from each other but our kids are not the same age hers are younger in grade school and my youngest is in 15yrs old and the twins are 20yrs so that could explain some of it, but I would die if anything happened to her so I will pray for you for the strength to go on without her!
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