Journey To Faith

Many people go on journeys. You can set out to the Grand Canyon or climb your way to the top of a mountain. Your scariest journey may just be walking down the isle on your wedding day...lol
I feel like I have been on a journey for a number of years, one that I have yet to find the end of. My journey is in faith.

I know that this journey is never ending. I realize the path has numerous twists and turns and that sometimes I over think it. You would think that it should be easier, believe and you are saved.

I will say outright that I am a Christian. So to all of those who hold other beliefs you can continue knowing that fact.

I went to church as a child, I went to church as a teen. I was baptised and confirmed in my faith. And that is pretty much where the story ends. I have a feeling that I am not the only one whose journey in faith stalled at this point.

I think as we become adults we bring everything into question. I never questioned my faith I just questioned the building I was supposed to enter to "show" my faith to others. Yes, as you can probably tell....this is where my faith gets sticky.

Ive been thinking more about my faith as my children have gotten older. I admit that I have not done well in providing them with religious education. They were all baptised, the went to preschool in a church preschool, they were jumped around to different denominations throughout the years and never got a good grasp on religion. I think I talked myself into thinking that when they got older they could make up their own minds about what worked best for them. I didn't want to force beliefs on them but in the end I have left them without a firm foundation. Right now I am trying slowly to rectify that.

My husband is the exact opposite. He went to Moody Bible Institute and took Theology courses because he craves knowledge on all things. He has tried his hardest to get me to church and in the end he got "church" anyway he could without making me uncomfortable. We actually went pretty regular a few years back and I would have to leave the service because I would get panic attacks....yes...panic attacks! Who gets panic attacks in church? Me

Unfortunately this reinforced my crazy mind that I did not "belong" in church. That some higher power was telling me to leave (I know that is stupid) That I was not worthy.

Just recently, within actually the last couple of weeks I have admitted to myself that the reason I feel uncomfortable in church is because I feel unworthy. To much sin? To many questions? Not enough education about the church? I don't know.

I would see other people in church, you know the ones...the perfect ones..the ones who pretend to be perfect on Sunday morning and then....well you know. That made me sick to my stomach. People who I knew turned away from others in time of need....People who were materialistic and judgemental....I struggled with that...I did not want to be there and put a "face" on. I did not want to stand up and shake their hands only to be ignored by them during the week....Literally made my stomach turn.

My husband and I were speaking of this last Saturday night as I was trying to work up the courage to go to church on Sunday morning. He had just the right words for me...I cant remember what they are now..lol But basically the fact that I felt unworthy to be there was not such a bad thing. I shouldn't feel that I DESERVE to be in Gods house....there was a lot said between us but I don't think I could give his words justice by trying to repeat them.

My husband is a very giving man. He gives of his time when he can and has literally given the shoes off his feet...more than once. We sat a few times on our back deck on a Sunday morning and joked about "Tims Church" We would get into these long discussions about faith and family or something that he was learning....that was my church. That is where I felt at peace.

He volunteered for a few years at a christian based men's mission "Wayside Cross" in Aurora, IL. He basically worked with men who were addicted to drugs, abusers etc....He gave so much of himself.....and it did wear him down in a way. It was a very emotional, time consuming....worried in the middle of the night....phone calls at all hours...kind of thing...and it made me love him more.

I like this "working faith" I have a problem raising funds for new fancy million dollar churches...when money should go directly where it needs to go. I don't need to walk in and see 20 feet of stained glass...I don't want to walk in EVERY Sunday and hear about the new fundraiser that's planned for the new gym......attached to the church....

The final straw came to me one Sunday when my husband was trying to get people to attend a event to raise money for the mens mission. In a church of over 2000 people....not ONE person signed up for TWO Sundays......our neighbors and a few friends were the only ones to join us. Honestly that made me sick....It was a success but it could have been a lot more.

I really don't know where I am going with this. I have faith...I believe in Heaven...I believe that Jesus died for me and for you. I suppose I feel that I have not grown enough myself to be excepted. I feel unworthy to sit before God......as my husband says much better than I...We should all feel unworthy to some degree.

So I'm on my journey. Making some friends who seem rooted in faith...and not in a crazy way....Ill be having a beer with her soon.....lol.......I don't know where this journey will lead. I'm taking baby steps...