Life goes on.
It seems like there is no possible way that a month has passed since my sister passed away. It seems like yesterday or at least last week that the entire family was sleeping by her bedside and scattered around the waiting room into the wee hours of the night (or nights)
Life has continued.
Her beautiful youngest daughter is continuing to blossom with pregnancy, her oldest just got engaged and the middle one is attempting to raise her puppy! I'm settling in out of state and winter is fast approaching.
The future.
Its hard to look out over the next couple of months and to guess what life will be like. How do you celebrate the holidays? How will we be when our nieces daughter is born without her grandma to coo over her? How will I not look in stores for the one special gift for my sister that we secretly gave each other every year at Christmas? Will we know the difference between tears of joy and tears of sadness when her oldest walks down the isle?
I suppose that lifes lessons are not always enjoyable ones. Who wants to learn how to grieve? Who wants to learn how to smile through tears? Who wants to learn to be happy about the little things and big things without guilt? So hard.
We've all survived the last thirty days. Life has went on, babies will be born, vows will be exchanged and the holidays will soon creep upon us. Our family will continue to grow...not only in size but in strength.
I think death can tear apart a family or can bring it together. I'm not sure much could tear apart this one though. We are all stubborn, loud and opinionated.....Jims sons and daughters with a little of Dawn thrown in to keep us grounded. We have passed this on to our children..the nieces (all of them) and our poor little nephew...hopefully he survives.
I have a little sign on my wall that I read everyday...because its there.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Maybe we all worry about the destination to much and don't focus enough on the journey. And maybe we should pay attention more to who is on the journey with us.
Family
Friends
Neighbors
It might be bumpy, full of holes and u-turns, but there is nobody in the world I would like to have had to take this journey with then the ones I have...
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gotta Try....because my big sister says so......
Ok, So its been awhile...a long while....
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
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