This is something I wrote a couple of years ago but would like to re post in honor of my sister. Kimber Le Hurt, the best sister a girl could ever have, passed away one year ago today from breast cancer.
October is National Breast Cancer awareness month. I didn't know this fact until I found myself writing up a flyer for a fundraiser to help my sister with her own battle with breast cancer. It's amazing all the information that we close our eyes to until it smacks us in the face. There has never been any history of breast cancer in my family so of course like many I neglect doing self exams until I have to go to the doctor. Of course when they ask me if I have been doing these every month I typically answer "yes! Of course!" I am such a liar.
When my sister informed me that she had breast cancer I was stunned. I thought this "thing" had to run in families. (Fact-80% of Breast Cancer is NOT hereditary) In a world wind our family was turned into a team out to get information. The more I talked to people the more I learned of treatments, nausea, how much the nausea pills cost! And how many women have it that live right in our area. I was shocked.
Am I stupid? I wouldn't like to think so. I think that we all tend to close our eyes to somethink that is scary. How do you ignore the little pink ribbons and posters and commercials? You turn your head, you get up to get a drink when a commercial comes on, you probably do what I do and just think "This doesn't concern me, and it doesn't run in my family"
I suppose there are a lot of people out there who don't know anyone who has breast cancer. I'm going to assume that there are a lot of women out there like me who don't do a breast exams every month. I'm also going to assume that there are a lot of doctors out there who know that we are lying to them when we come into see them every month.. If your only excuse for not doing a self exam is that you have not had it effect you directly yet, let me be your link. If you know me, then you know someone whose family is dealing with breast cancer.
I can never fully understand what my sister and those around me with breast cancer are going through. I can sit on the phone for hours with my sister as she tells me about how her butt goes to sleep after sitting getting chemo for four hours, I can listen to her concern for her daughters and her husband who go out of their way to support her. I can try to help her understand her medical bills and co-payments and try to help her raise money for her battle, but I cant quite say the right thing to make it all better.
The one thing that breast cancer has done for our family is brought us closer together. Our family has one mission and that is to help her fight in any way we can. We know that "chili feeds" to help raise money wont cure her disease but it does show her all the support she has from her family and friends. I know the late night phone calls wont cure her, but somehow might lighten her load. I know my little article in this little newsletter wont cure cancer either, but maybe, just maybe it will get one of you who is reading this to honestly be able to answer your Doctor when they ask you if you have been doing your monthly exams. Oh, and don't forget! All of you (you know who you are) go get that mammogram that you have been putting off getting. It might just save your life.
Spread the word. For me, for my sister, for yourself, your daughters, your wife, your grandchildren, your neighbors...you get the point.
As of this day, one year ago August 25, 2010 my lovely only sister, Kimber Le Allen Hurt lost her battle with breast cancer. I cant even begin to explain the pain and loss I feel everyday. She became a grandmother for the third time during this past year...she was buried on her 49th birthday...and she she would have turned 50 this Sunday...me 40 her 50..we would have had so much fun celebrating...my heart aches for voice on the phone.
Please forward this post or at least comment or LIKE it...to show support for all those who have lost someone or for those who are fighting the battle...and to support my family and the memory of Kim...Thank you for re-reading..
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Crude And Honest...The Powere Of Age
Ok, So I think I'm starting to piss my mother off (big surprise there!) She called yesterday while I was talking with a friend on the deck and I noticed from the caller ID that it was her. I was tempted not to pick it up......
No! this is not going to be a SAD story....please continue....
(Let me give you a little bit of background here..fast... When my sister got sick and put in the hospital, I got the phone call, the one you don't want to get, the "come home now" phone call.)
Soooo..I answered the phone "Who died?"...proceeded by "Is dad fine?"..followed by "Let me call you right back"....Ok...yes I'm tacky and crude.
Its crazy living so far away from your family. Its hard worrying about your parents health from miles away. Its scary sometimes to pick up the phone.
I realize as I'm getting older my mouth seems to be open more. The sensor has somehow been disconnected. I say what I mean more often because whats the point in beating around the bush. (yes, I know some of you would say this is not something new, Its just gotten worse..shit)
At some point it just seems like its much easier just to come right out and say what your thinking. The problem is that it takes us till we are in about our 40's to get the nerve to do this, and then we have to try to reign ourselves in a little so we just don't come across as "nasty old people"
Whats the point of being with your friend as shes trying on lets say, dresses, and she comes out looking like a giant puff ball. You get the "How does this look?" question. Well lets see, you can say "I don't really like the color"..which then she will say "But I love blue"...then you will say "It just doesn't seem to be the right style..etc...etc.."...When all you really want to say is "Your ass looks like the backside of a barn in it, take it off now!"...much easier, honest and saves a lot of time.
Oh the benefits of age. As Ive gotten older though, my mother has also. The deal is that the roles are starting to reverse a little. I'm sure she worries about my brothers and I all the time, but lately I feel like I'm worrying more about them. Their getting old!
I'm asking the questions about doctors and what kind of meds are being taken. I'm worrying when I don't get a phone call or sometimes if I do. I'm not into surprises anymore (except if its my birthday of course)...I want to know whats going on all the time and I want to know all the details (yes..see above comment..always been like this, just getting worse)
I want to know where my parents are at all times, what time they got in, who they were with etc. etc...
I want to speak my mind without giving a crap who I might offend....(maybe someday)
I want to feel mature yet not old.
I want to have control...but yet let someone else lead.
I want to be honest, yet not hurtful.
I want a little red light to light up my phone when there is going to be bad news on the other end.
I'm fighting this age thing. I want to feel mature and have the benefits of being "older" I just don't want to feel or look "OLD!"
Sassy!...that's what I want to be when I grow up. The sassy old lady!..the one who says what she thinks without sensor....I'm sure my kids will love this when they start having kids of there own down the road.
This is going to be great!...until they stick my ass in a nursing home!
No! this is not going to be a SAD story....please continue....
(Let me give you a little bit of background here..fast... When my sister got sick and put in the hospital, I got the phone call, the one you don't want to get, the "come home now" phone call.)
Soooo..I answered the phone "Who died?"...proceeded by "Is dad fine?"..followed by "Let me call you right back"....Ok...yes I'm tacky and crude.
Its crazy living so far away from your family. Its hard worrying about your parents health from miles away. Its scary sometimes to pick up the phone.
I realize as I'm getting older my mouth seems to be open more. The sensor has somehow been disconnected. I say what I mean more often because whats the point in beating around the bush. (yes, I know some of you would say this is not something new, Its just gotten worse..shit)
At some point it just seems like its much easier just to come right out and say what your thinking. The problem is that it takes us till we are in about our 40's to get the nerve to do this, and then we have to try to reign ourselves in a little so we just don't come across as "nasty old people"
Whats the point of being with your friend as shes trying on lets say, dresses, and she comes out looking like a giant puff ball. You get the "How does this look?" question. Well lets see, you can say "I don't really like the color"..which then she will say "But I love blue"...then you will say "It just doesn't seem to be the right style..etc...etc.."...When all you really want to say is "Your ass looks like the backside of a barn in it, take it off now!"...much easier, honest and saves a lot of time.
Oh the benefits of age. As Ive gotten older though, my mother has also. The deal is that the roles are starting to reverse a little. I'm sure she worries about my brothers and I all the time, but lately I feel like I'm worrying more about them. Their getting old!
I'm asking the questions about doctors and what kind of meds are being taken. I'm worrying when I don't get a phone call or sometimes if I do. I'm not into surprises anymore (except if its my birthday of course)...I want to know whats going on all the time and I want to know all the details (yes..see above comment..always been like this, just getting worse)
I want to know where my parents are at all times, what time they got in, who they were with etc. etc...
I want to speak my mind without giving a crap who I might offend....(maybe someday)
I want to feel mature yet not old.
I want to have control...but yet let someone else lead.
I want to be honest, yet not hurtful.
I want a little red light to light up my phone when there is going to be bad news on the other end.
I'm fighting this age thing. I want to feel mature and have the benefits of being "older" I just don't want to feel or look "OLD!"
Sassy!...that's what I want to be when I grow up. The sassy old lady!..the one who says what she thinks without sensor....I'm sure my kids will love this when they start having kids of there own down the road.
This is going to be great!...until they stick my ass in a nursing home!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Girlfriend To Girlfriend
The high school girls were just here.
They all came into my life many years ago, at different times and in some way changed my world. We tried make-up for the first time together, shared secrets about crushes and shared details about first kisses. We fought like crazy at certain times over the years, but luckily I cant remember any of them.
We came together as if no time had passed. And it was great! Nobody has really changed and that is what made it so nice and surprising. We have gotten married, or not!...some have had kids but nothing much has changed. The personalities are all still the same, the habits remain...even the annoying ones.
People asked me how it went and it was so easy to answer, sort of.
I thought about this, and you would think there would be a lot to discuss...our lives...our kids....the past. Funny thing was we didn't talk a lot about those things, we just laughed, a lot.
We fell back into the routine in high school...the funny one..the quiet one...the bossy one (I think we have all taken on that role) And it just worked.
In a sense this was comforting...even know I don't think that is the right word. It made me realize that in high school I made the right choices as to who my friends were. They were real, they were not phony....we were bitchy to each other...but all out of love. And we all seem to have remained pretty similar. Maybe we were the only ones who could put up with each other..hadn't thought of that.
Three of the four that came were bridesmaids in my wedding and still love me after having to wear the peach colored dresses I had them wear, so that says something about friendship.
I tell my girls that you only need a small circle of friends in high school and not to worry about being part of a larger crowd. Most the time when you leave school and go off to college you will have a hard time remembering the girls you so wanted to be friends with...and they wont remember you either.
Its those friends who tell you that what your wearing makes your ass look huge, its the one who tells you that your boyfriend is a jerk, its the one you call at two in the morning because the jerk broke up with you to go out with the girl whose ass looked better!.... those are the friends you keep, those are the friends you remember, those are the friends that after twenty years will jump in a car and drive eight hours to spend a few days with you.
They are the ones who show up at your parents house when your sister passes away with food and hugs even though you haven't seen or talked to them in years....those are friends.
Just wanted to let them all know how much their friendship means to me...their hugs...their smiles..their families...their laughs and their tears. Their is no better group of girls then the ones who you can grow old with, joke about gray hair with, make fun of flabby thighs with....and still not really see them as any older than sixteen.
Love to you all.
They all came into my life many years ago, at different times and in some way changed my world. We tried make-up for the first time together, shared secrets about crushes and shared details about first kisses. We fought like crazy at certain times over the years, but luckily I cant remember any of them.
We came together as if no time had passed. And it was great! Nobody has really changed and that is what made it so nice and surprising. We have gotten married, or not!...some have had kids but nothing much has changed. The personalities are all still the same, the habits remain...even the annoying ones.
People asked me how it went and it was so easy to answer, sort of.
I thought about this, and you would think there would be a lot to discuss...our lives...our kids....the past. Funny thing was we didn't talk a lot about those things, we just laughed, a lot.
We fell back into the routine in high school...the funny one..the quiet one...the bossy one (I think we have all taken on that role) And it just worked.
In a sense this was comforting...even know I don't think that is the right word. It made me realize that in high school I made the right choices as to who my friends were. They were real, they were not phony....we were bitchy to each other...but all out of love. And we all seem to have remained pretty similar. Maybe we were the only ones who could put up with each other..hadn't thought of that.
Three of the four that came were bridesmaids in my wedding and still love me after having to wear the peach colored dresses I had them wear, so that says something about friendship.
I tell my girls that you only need a small circle of friends in high school and not to worry about being part of a larger crowd. Most the time when you leave school and go off to college you will have a hard time remembering the girls you so wanted to be friends with...and they wont remember you either.
Its those friends who tell you that what your wearing makes your ass look huge, its the one who tells you that your boyfriend is a jerk, its the one you call at two in the morning because the jerk broke up with you to go out with the girl whose ass looked better!.... those are the friends you keep, those are the friends you remember, those are the friends that after twenty years will jump in a car and drive eight hours to spend a few days with you.
They are the ones who show up at your parents house when your sister passes away with food and hugs even though you haven't seen or talked to them in years....those are friends.
Just wanted to let them all know how much their friendship means to me...their hugs...their smiles..their families...their laughs and their tears. Their is no better group of girls then the ones who you can grow old with, joke about gray hair with, make fun of flabby thighs with....and still not really see them as any older than sixteen.
Love to you all.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Just A Look
Just a little look and you knew what my mother was thinking. Most of the knowledge I have about motherhood came to me from visual clues that I received through my life. A little wink, a glare across a room full of people, a smile that lights up her eyes.
A feeling of love warmed me as I glanced at mother from the front of the church on my wedding day. The wet tears which swelled in her eyes as she saw my first daughter after her birth. The proud lift of her eyebrows as she walked around my first home, lightly brushing her fingertips over the counter tops.
Concern and sadness filled her eyes as I told her we were moving away but at the same time a joy, because she knew we needed to go.
Pain, I have seen pain and loss in those eyes as well. I witnessed pain and heartache as we watched my sister pass away from breast cancer only eight months ago and I saw in her eyes, her face and her tears, how much she wanted to take all my pain away...and couldn't.
I have learned many things from my mother, how to love, cry, laugh, smile and grieve..Sometimes not with words..But just a look.
A look only a daughter can read as it slowly makes its way across her mother’s face and reaches her eyes...those ever seeing, always knows how your feeling, wishes she could take the hurt away, love you forever, looks.
As I have raised my three girls I have gotten much grief about the "looks" I give them. I am always told to "stop looking at me like that!" Someday I hope they will come to understand the meanings in each glance I send their way.
I remember crying to my mother and asking her advice and never getting a response that I thought I needed to hear..I would just get those eyes looking at me. I did not understand at the time that sometimes words just can’t be used, that sometimes there is no right thing to say, sometimes there is just love. She loves me through her actions and her touch, her smile and her tears, her mistakes and my mistakes.
Every time when we are leaving her house after a visit, I watch her, watch me, as we pull out of the driveway. And even though we have hugged and said our goodbyes, it’s her eyes I watch as we head out on our journey home. She waves, I wave...but I see one last "I love you, be safe" as we finally pull out of view, I can no longer see her, but I can feel her eyes upon me and I feel love.
A feeling of love warmed me as I glanced at mother from the front of the church on my wedding day. The wet tears which swelled in her eyes as she saw my first daughter after her birth. The proud lift of her eyebrows as she walked around my first home, lightly brushing her fingertips over the counter tops.
Concern and sadness filled her eyes as I told her we were moving away but at the same time a joy, because she knew we needed to go.
Pain, I have seen pain and loss in those eyes as well. I witnessed pain and heartache as we watched my sister pass away from breast cancer only eight months ago and I saw in her eyes, her face and her tears, how much she wanted to take all my pain away...and couldn't.
I have learned many things from my mother, how to love, cry, laugh, smile and grieve..Sometimes not with words..But just a look.
A look only a daughter can read as it slowly makes its way across her mother’s face and reaches her eyes...those ever seeing, always knows how your feeling, wishes she could take the hurt away, love you forever, looks.
As I have raised my three girls I have gotten much grief about the "looks" I give them. I am always told to "stop looking at me like that!" Someday I hope they will come to understand the meanings in each glance I send their way.
I remember crying to my mother and asking her advice and never getting a response that I thought I needed to hear..I would just get those eyes looking at me. I did not understand at the time that sometimes words just can’t be used, that sometimes there is no right thing to say, sometimes there is just love. She loves me through her actions and her touch, her smile and her tears, her mistakes and my mistakes.
Every time when we are leaving her house after a visit, I watch her, watch me, as we pull out of the driveway. And even though we have hugged and said our goodbyes, it’s her eyes I watch as we head out on our journey home. She waves, I wave...but I see one last "I love you, be safe" as we finally pull out of view, I can no longer see her, but I can feel her eyes upon me and I feel love.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What To Do...What To Do
Do you ever find yourself standing in the middle of a room with a list of things to do rattling around in your brain? I do, all the time. For some reason you just cant get yourself to start moving. Should you fold the laundry? do the dishes? Clean the floor? I think the cat litter box needs to be cleaned....are dust bunnies real?...bed sure looks cozy...
I think this time of year is when that seasonal depression crap kicks in....yeah...Im sure of it. Its cold, its windy..gloomy...quiet....yeah bed looks real good.
I can look around myself now and see 50 things that I probably could be doing yet I sat down and got on the computer. Before I know it its going to be the middle of the afternoon and I will have gotten nothing accomplished. Around 4 o'clock my energy and guilt will kick in and I will run around the house and pick up, start dinner and try to make it look like Ive accomplished something with my time all day.
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I should be doing with my days. I have stacks of pictures that I could be organizing. I have a gym that I could spend hours at all day and get into shape....I could .....do a lot of things. But nothing, nothing is inspiring me.
I'm trying really hard not to spiral down this winter. Some days are harder than others. Every once in awhile the sun comes out and I point my face upwards and let the warmth spread over me...some days that helps. I envision the grass underneath all of the snow...soaking up the moisture...creeping toward the surface...waiting and waiting till the sun and temperatures tell it that its time to come out and play. It seems so far away.
I could paint my nails..but that's really not me. I don't get big enjoyment from self pampering. I could go shopping..but I hate to shop..even on a good day.
Ugh...I hate winter. I think I need to make a list. I'm not sure of what yet. Things I want to accomplish in the next 3 months. One item a day....something that will get me more organized. Clean out the closet....sort threw all the clothes in the closet...man that sounds boring. But it needs to be done.
Lists...lists of things to do for myself. Read a book...but then I get so engrossed that I cant put it down and nothing gets done. I don't even know what I would put on it. I don't need anything...I really don't want anything....
The vacuum is calling me from across the room....maybe Ill edge the carpets...ick. Look in the many boxes in the basement and throw some crap out. Clean the girls rooms or maybe my own. Ok, this isn't sounding very good. But it needs to get done.
Someone please wake me up from my winter coma come spring. Drink in hand...fire pit beckoning from the backyard...lawnchairs..umbrellas...friends..and green...lots of green.
I think this time of year is when that seasonal depression crap kicks in....yeah...Im sure of it. Its cold, its windy..gloomy...quiet....yeah bed looks real good.
I can look around myself now and see 50 things that I probably could be doing yet I sat down and got on the computer. Before I know it its going to be the middle of the afternoon and I will have gotten nothing accomplished. Around 4 o'clock my energy and guilt will kick in and I will run around the house and pick up, start dinner and try to make it look like Ive accomplished something with my time all day.
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I should be doing with my days. I have stacks of pictures that I could be organizing. I have a gym that I could spend hours at all day and get into shape....I could .....do a lot of things. But nothing, nothing is inspiring me.
I'm trying really hard not to spiral down this winter. Some days are harder than others. Every once in awhile the sun comes out and I point my face upwards and let the warmth spread over me...some days that helps. I envision the grass underneath all of the snow...soaking up the moisture...creeping toward the surface...waiting and waiting till the sun and temperatures tell it that its time to come out and play. It seems so far away.
I could paint my nails..but that's really not me. I don't get big enjoyment from self pampering. I could go shopping..but I hate to shop..even on a good day.
Ugh...I hate winter. I think I need to make a list. I'm not sure of what yet. Things I want to accomplish in the next 3 months. One item a day....something that will get me more organized. Clean out the closet....sort threw all the clothes in the closet...man that sounds boring. But it needs to be done.
Lists...lists of things to do for myself. Read a book...but then I get so engrossed that I cant put it down and nothing gets done. I don't even know what I would put on it. I don't need anything...I really don't want anything....
The vacuum is calling me from across the room....maybe Ill edge the carpets...ick. Look in the many boxes in the basement and throw some crap out. Clean the girls rooms or maybe my own. Ok, this isn't sounding very good. But it needs to get done.
Someone please wake me up from my winter coma come spring. Drink in hand...fire pit beckoning from the backyard...lawnchairs..umbrellas...friends..and green...lots of green.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Journey To Faith
Many people go on journeys. You can set out to the Grand Canyon or climb your way to the top of a mountain. Your scariest journey may just be walking down the isle on your wedding day...lol
I feel like I have been on a journey for a number of years, one that I have yet to find the end of. My journey is in faith.
I know that this journey is never ending. I realize the path has numerous twists and turns and that sometimes I over think it. You would think that it should be easier, believe and you are saved.
I will say outright that I am a Christian. So to all of those who hold other beliefs you can continue knowing that fact.
I went to church as a child, I went to church as a teen. I was baptised and confirmed in my faith. And that is pretty much where the story ends. I have a feeling that I am not the only one whose journey in faith stalled at this point.
I think as we become adults we bring everything into question. I never questioned my faith I just questioned the building I was supposed to enter to "show" my faith to others. Yes, as you can probably tell....this is where my faith gets sticky.
Ive been thinking more about my faith as my children have gotten older. I admit that I have not done well in providing them with religious education. They were all baptised, the went to preschool in a church preschool, they were jumped around to different denominations throughout the years and never got a good grasp on religion. I think I talked myself into thinking that when they got older they could make up their own minds about what worked best for them. I didn't want to force beliefs on them but in the end I have left them without a firm foundation. Right now I am trying slowly to rectify that.
My husband is the exact opposite. He went to Moody Bible Institute and took Theology courses because he craves knowledge on all things. He has tried his hardest to get me to church and in the end he got "church" anyway he could without making me uncomfortable. We actually went pretty regular a few years back and I would have to leave the service because I would get panic attacks....yes...panic attacks! Who gets panic attacks in church? Me
Unfortunately this reinforced my crazy mind that I did not "belong" in church. That some higher power was telling me to leave (I know that is stupid) That I was not worthy.
Just recently, within actually the last couple of weeks I have admitted to myself that the reason I feel uncomfortable in church is because I feel unworthy. To much sin? To many questions? Not enough education about the church? I don't know.
I would see other people in church, you know the ones...the perfect ones..the ones who pretend to be perfect on Sunday morning and then....well you know. That made me sick to my stomach. People who I knew turned away from others in time of need....People who were materialistic and judgemental....I struggled with that...I did not want to be there and put a "face" on. I did not want to stand up and shake their hands only to be ignored by them during the week....Literally made my stomach turn.
My husband and I were speaking of this last Saturday night as I was trying to work up the courage to go to church on Sunday morning. He had just the right words for me...I cant remember what they are now..lol But basically the fact that I felt unworthy to be there was not such a bad thing. I shouldn't feel that I DESERVE to be in Gods house....there was a lot said between us but I don't think I could give his words justice by trying to repeat them.
My husband is a very giving man. He gives of his time when he can and has literally given the shoes off his feet...more than once. We sat a few times on our back deck on a Sunday morning and joked about "Tims Church" We would get into these long discussions about faith and family or something that he was learning....that was my church. That is where I felt at peace.
He volunteered for a few years at a christian based men's mission "Wayside Cross" in Aurora, IL. He basically worked with men who were addicted to drugs, abusers etc....He gave so much of himself.....and it did wear him down in a way. It was a very emotional, time consuming....worried in the middle of the night....phone calls at all hours...kind of thing...and it made me love him more.
I like this "working faith" I have a problem raising funds for new fancy million dollar churches...when money should go directly where it needs to go. I don't need to walk in and see 20 feet of stained glass...I don't want to walk in EVERY Sunday and hear about the new fundraiser that's planned for the new gym......attached to the church....
The final straw came to me one Sunday when my husband was trying to get people to attend a event to raise money for the mens mission. In a church of over 2000 people....not ONE person signed up for TWO Sundays......our neighbors and a few friends were the only ones to join us. Honestly that made me sick....It was a success but it could have been a lot more.
I really don't know where I am going with this. I have faith...I believe in Heaven...I believe that Jesus died for me and for you. I suppose I feel that I have not grown enough myself to be excepted. I feel unworthy to sit before God......as my husband says much better than I...We should all feel unworthy to some degree.
So I'm on my journey. Making some friends who seem rooted in faith...and not in a crazy way....Ill be having a beer with her soon.....lol.......I don't know where this journey will lead. I'm taking baby steps...
I feel like I have been on a journey for a number of years, one that I have yet to find the end of. My journey is in faith.
I know that this journey is never ending. I realize the path has numerous twists and turns and that sometimes I over think it. You would think that it should be easier, believe and you are saved.
I will say outright that I am a Christian. So to all of those who hold other beliefs you can continue knowing that fact.
I went to church as a child, I went to church as a teen. I was baptised and confirmed in my faith. And that is pretty much where the story ends. I have a feeling that I am not the only one whose journey in faith stalled at this point.
I think as we become adults we bring everything into question. I never questioned my faith I just questioned the building I was supposed to enter to "show" my faith to others. Yes, as you can probably tell....this is where my faith gets sticky.
Ive been thinking more about my faith as my children have gotten older. I admit that I have not done well in providing them with religious education. They were all baptised, the went to preschool in a church preschool, they were jumped around to different denominations throughout the years and never got a good grasp on religion. I think I talked myself into thinking that when they got older they could make up their own minds about what worked best for them. I didn't want to force beliefs on them but in the end I have left them without a firm foundation. Right now I am trying slowly to rectify that.
My husband is the exact opposite. He went to Moody Bible Institute and took Theology courses because he craves knowledge on all things. He has tried his hardest to get me to church and in the end he got "church" anyway he could without making me uncomfortable. We actually went pretty regular a few years back and I would have to leave the service because I would get panic attacks....yes...panic attacks! Who gets panic attacks in church? Me
Unfortunately this reinforced my crazy mind that I did not "belong" in church. That some higher power was telling me to leave (I know that is stupid) That I was not worthy.
Just recently, within actually the last couple of weeks I have admitted to myself that the reason I feel uncomfortable in church is because I feel unworthy. To much sin? To many questions? Not enough education about the church? I don't know.
I would see other people in church, you know the ones...the perfect ones..the ones who pretend to be perfect on Sunday morning and then....well you know. That made me sick to my stomach. People who I knew turned away from others in time of need....People who were materialistic and judgemental....I struggled with that...I did not want to be there and put a "face" on. I did not want to stand up and shake their hands only to be ignored by them during the week....Literally made my stomach turn.
My husband and I were speaking of this last Saturday night as I was trying to work up the courage to go to church on Sunday morning. He had just the right words for me...I cant remember what they are now..lol But basically the fact that I felt unworthy to be there was not such a bad thing. I shouldn't feel that I DESERVE to be in Gods house....there was a lot said between us but I don't think I could give his words justice by trying to repeat them.
My husband is a very giving man. He gives of his time when he can and has literally given the shoes off his feet...more than once. We sat a few times on our back deck on a Sunday morning and joked about "Tims Church" We would get into these long discussions about faith and family or something that he was learning....that was my church. That is where I felt at peace.
He volunteered for a few years at a christian based men's mission "Wayside Cross" in Aurora, IL. He basically worked with men who were addicted to drugs, abusers etc....He gave so much of himself.....and it did wear him down in a way. It was a very emotional, time consuming....worried in the middle of the night....phone calls at all hours...kind of thing...and it made me love him more.
I like this "working faith" I have a problem raising funds for new fancy million dollar churches...when money should go directly where it needs to go. I don't need to walk in and see 20 feet of stained glass...I don't want to walk in EVERY Sunday and hear about the new fundraiser that's planned for the new gym......attached to the church....
The final straw came to me one Sunday when my husband was trying to get people to attend a event to raise money for the mens mission. In a church of over 2000 people....not ONE person signed up for TWO Sundays......our neighbors and a few friends were the only ones to join us. Honestly that made me sick....It was a success but it could have been a lot more.
I really don't know where I am going with this. I have faith...I believe in Heaven...I believe that Jesus died for me and for you. I suppose I feel that I have not grown enough myself to be excepted. I feel unworthy to sit before God......as my husband says much better than I...We should all feel unworthy to some degree.
So I'm on my journey. Making some friends who seem rooted in faith...and not in a crazy way....Ill be having a beer with her soon.....lol.......I don't know where this journey will lead. I'm taking baby steps...
Friday, October 9, 2009
Nebraska Fan?
Last nights Nebraska game against Missouri got me thinking....What makes a good fan? Not just a "Oh the games on tonight..." fan, but a die hard, chew your nails...decked out in your teams colors..ignore your children fan?
I grew up in Nebraska. If your from Nebraska then you know that's all it takes to be a "Cornhusker Fan." If your out on a game day anywhere in the state you can hear the game..in the grocery stores...radio..pumping gas....at least that's the way it was when I was growing up.
If you were out on a Saturday and were not wearing red in some form or fashion you would get asked why. "Why aren't you wearing red? Are you not from here? Are you not a fan?" My father has these red and white stripped overalls and red cowboy hat that he used to wear back in the day. We had t-shirts and beer koozies, Nebraska flags and Nebraska rocks in our yard. We didn't think that was strange, that's just the way it was.
I have to admit that I have only been to memorial stadium once. I remember it was October and freezing....I don't remember who were playing, all I remember is the excitement...I was in awe..nothing, nothing has compared to seeing that game. Ive been to Wrigley Field...didn't compare..couldn't figure out why people thought the place was so great. Maybe if they came to Memorial Stadium they would say the same thing....I doubt it.
Ive lived out of state now for going on nine years and still and will always remain a die hard husker fan. Its amazing that if your from Nebraska you will search out other Nebraska fans wherever you are at. You see someone in the parking lot in WI with a NE shirt on...and you search them out...."You from Nebraska?" ---then the football talk starts..its always football. They might not have lived there for 20 years...but it doesn't matter, their your new best friend. You talk about how it sucks that you cant get any of the games on TV, have you ever been to a game? Do you still have family there? Remember the 80's?
Ive lived in Kansas-they have the Chiefs, Chicago-Bears, Cubs, White Sox and now Wisconsin-Packer territory.....I get asked a lot ......Bears fan? Packers fan?.....nahhh Husker fan!
Its not about their pay check...at least not yet. Its just football. Face paint, food, friends, a sea of red...balloons at the first touchdown....
This is an example of a husker fan.....When I first lived in Naperville IL there were quite a few games that I couldn't get. My sister would call me and set the phone next to the radio on her counter so I could listen to the game. Usually she would be in the bathroom....because when the game got to intense she couldn't take it and would have to leave the room...and if she was in the bathroom she couldn't hear the game. That left me screaming into the receiver when something good happened...only I wouldn't get a response for about two minutes until she got the nerve to come back out....it made for a long game.....Now if the game was actually televised she'd be even worse, pacing around the house, trying to talk to me...screaming with excitement and then trying to tell me what happened..which never worked...ugh.....
Ive had neighbors (Paul in Overland Park!) steal my Nebraska flag and hide it.... for that, un-known to him, drove around with a Nebraska magnet on his license plate for two weeks before he noticed....
I have raised Nebraska fans....doesn't matter that my girls haven't lived there forever. My oldest is at college in Chicago and we spent last night texting back and forth during the whole game...granted all of the text were not that nice... She is and will always be a husker! Doesn't matter her boyfriend was sitting in the stands at the Missouri game getting soaked in the rain....He goes to Missouri! But..being a husker fan, we will still welcome him at Thanksgiving...we will of course mess with him....but he will be welcomed...We will try to convert him to the red side.....
One of these days I will get back to Memorial Stadium. I would love to take all three of my girls to a game. Unless you've been there, felt that excitement...you just don't understand. I'm not even saying you have to be a Nebraska fan....if your the opposing team even....you see us as we are.....fans..not fanatics....old school...hometown...just bigger....small town...but bigger....friendly, loyal...a little crazy....always Big Red.
I suppose I didnt even answer my own question. What makes a good fan? In Nebraska you just are. And if your not...move to Iowa so we can atleast have another reason to not like you.
I grew up in Nebraska. If your from Nebraska then you know that's all it takes to be a "Cornhusker Fan." If your out on a game day anywhere in the state you can hear the game..in the grocery stores...radio..pumping gas....at least that's the way it was when I was growing up.
If you were out on a Saturday and were not wearing red in some form or fashion you would get asked why. "Why aren't you wearing red? Are you not from here? Are you not a fan?" My father has these red and white stripped overalls and red cowboy hat that he used to wear back in the day. We had t-shirts and beer koozies, Nebraska flags and Nebraska rocks in our yard. We didn't think that was strange, that's just the way it was.
I have to admit that I have only been to memorial stadium once. I remember it was October and freezing....I don't remember who were playing, all I remember is the excitement...I was in awe..nothing, nothing has compared to seeing that game. Ive been to Wrigley Field...didn't compare..couldn't figure out why people thought the place was so great. Maybe if they came to Memorial Stadium they would say the same thing....I doubt it.
Ive lived out of state now for going on nine years and still and will always remain a die hard husker fan. Its amazing that if your from Nebraska you will search out other Nebraska fans wherever you are at. You see someone in the parking lot in WI with a NE shirt on...and you search them out...."You from Nebraska?" ---then the football talk starts..its always football. They might not have lived there for 20 years...but it doesn't matter, their your new best friend. You talk about how it sucks that you cant get any of the games on TV, have you ever been to a game? Do you still have family there? Remember the 80's?
Ive lived in Kansas-they have the Chiefs, Chicago-Bears, Cubs, White Sox and now Wisconsin-Packer territory.....I get asked a lot ......Bears fan? Packers fan?.....nahhh Husker fan!
Its not about their pay check...at least not yet. Its just football. Face paint, food, friends, a sea of red...balloons at the first touchdown....
This is an example of a husker fan.....When I first lived in Naperville IL there were quite a few games that I couldn't get. My sister would call me and set the phone next to the radio on her counter so I could listen to the game. Usually she would be in the bathroom....because when the game got to intense she couldn't take it and would have to leave the room...and if she was in the bathroom she couldn't hear the game. That left me screaming into the receiver when something good happened...only I wouldn't get a response for about two minutes until she got the nerve to come back out....it made for a long game.....Now if the game was actually televised she'd be even worse, pacing around the house, trying to talk to me...screaming with excitement and then trying to tell me what happened..which never worked...ugh.....
Ive had neighbors (Paul in Overland Park!) steal my Nebraska flag and hide it.... for that, un-known to him, drove around with a Nebraska magnet on his license plate for two weeks before he noticed....
I have raised Nebraska fans....doesn't matter that my girls haven't lived there forever. My oldest is at college in Chicago and we spent last night texting back and forth during the whole game...granted all of the text were not that nice... She is and will always be a husker! Doesn't matter her boyfriend was sitting in the stands at the Missouri game getting soaked in the rain....He goes to Missouri! But..being a husker fan, we will still welcome him at Thanksgiving...we will of course mess with him....but he will be welcomed...We will try to convert him to the red side.....
One of these days I will get back to Memorial Stadium. I would love to take all three of my girls to a game. Unless you've been there, felt that excitement...you just don't understand. I'm not even saying you have to be a Nebraska fan....if your the opposing team even....you see us as we are.....fans..not fanatics....old school...hometown...just bigger....small town...but bigger....friendly, loyal...a little crazy....always Big Red.
I suppose I didnt even answer my own question. What makes a good fan? In Nebraska you just are. And if your not...move to Iowa so we can atleast have another reason to not like you.
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