Just a little look and you knew what my mother was thinking. Most of the knowledge I have about motherhood came to me from visual clues that I received through my life. A little wink, a glare across a room full of people, a smile that lights up her eyes.
A feeling of love warmed me as I glanced at mother from the front of the church on my wedding day. The wet tears which swelled in her eyes as she saw my first daughter after her birth. The proud lift of her eyebrows as she walked around my first home, lightly brushing her fingertips over the counter tops.
Concern and sadness filled her eyes as I told her we were moving away but at the same time a joy, because she knew we needed to go.
Pain, I have seen pain and loss in those eyes as well. I witnessed pain and heartache as we watched my sister pass away from breast cancer only eight months ago and I saw in her eyes, her face and her tears, how much she wanted to take all my pain away...and couldn't.
I have learned many things from my mother, how to love, cry, laugh, smile and grieve..Sometimes not with words..But just a look.
A look only a daughter can read as it slowly makes its way across her mother’s face and reaches her eyes...those ever seeing, always knows how your feeling, wishes she could take the hurt away, love you forever, looks.
As I have raised my three girls I have gotten much grief about the "looks" I give them. I am always told to "stop looking at me like that!" Someday I hope they will come to understand the meanings in each glance I send their way.
I remember crying to my mother and asking her advice and never getting a response that I thought I needed to hear..I would just get those eyes looking at me. I did not understand at the time that sometimes words just can’t be used, that sometimes there is no right thing to say, sometimes there is just love. She loves me through her actions and her touch, her smile and her tears, her mistakes and my mistakes.
Every time when we are leaving her house after a visit, I watch her, watch me, as we pull out of the driveway. And even though we have hugged and said our goodbyes, it’s her eyes I watch as we head out on our journey home. She waves, I wave...but I see one last "I love you, be safe" as we finally pull out of view, I can no longer see her, but I can feel her eyes upon me and I feel love.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What To Do...What To Do
Do you ever find yourself standing in the middle of a room with a list of things to do rattling around in your brain? I do, all the time. For some reason you just cant get yourself to start moving. Should you fold the laundry? do the dishes? Clean the floor? I think the cat litter box needs to be cleaned....are dust bunnies real?...bed sure looks cozy...
I think this time of year is when that seasonal depression crap kicks in....yeah...Im sure of it. Its cold, its windy..gloomy...quiet....yeah bed looks real good.
I can look around myself now and see 50 things that I probably could be doing yet I sat down and got on the computer. Before I know it its going to be the middle of the afternoon and I will have gotten nothing accomplished. Around 4 o'clock my energy and guilt will kick in and I will run around the house and pick up, start dinner and try to make it look like Ive accomplished something with my time all day.
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I should be doing with my days. I have stacks of pictures that I could be organizing. I have a gym that I could spend hours at all day and get into shape....I could .....do a lot of things. But nothing, nothing is inspiring me.
I'm trying really hard not to spiral down this winter. Some days are harder than others. Every once in awhile the sun comes out and I point my face upwards and let the warmth spread over me...some days that helps. I envision the grass underneath all of the snow...soaking up the moisture...creeping toward the surface...waiting and waiting till the sun and temperatures tell it that its time to come out and play. It seems so far away.
I could paint my nails..but that's really not me. I don't get big enjoyment from self pampering. I could go shopping..but I hate to shop..even on a good day.
Ugh...I hate winter. I think I need to make a list. I'm not sure of what yet. Things I want to accomplish in the next 3 months. One item a day....something that will get me more organized. Clean out the closet....sort threw all the clothes in the closet...man that sounds boring. But it needs to be done.
Lists...lists of things to do for myself. Read a book...but then I get so engrossed that I cant put it down and nothing gets done. I don't even know what I would put on it. I don't need anything...I really don't want anything....
The vacuum is calling me from across the room....maybe Ill edge the carpets...ick. Look in the many boxes in the basement and throw some crap out. Clean the girls rooms or maybe my own. Ok, this isn't sounding very good. But it needs to get done.
Someone please wake me up from my winter coma come spring. Drink in hand...fire pit beckoning from the backyard...lawnchairs..umbrellas...friends..and green...lots of green.
I think this time of year is when that seasonal depression crap kicks in....yeah...Im sure of it. Its cold, its windy..gloomy...quiet....yeah bed looks real good.
I can look around myself now and see 50 things that I probably could be doing yet I sat down and got on the computer. Before I know it its going to be the middle of the afternoon and I will have gotten nothing accomplished. Around 4 o'clock my energy and guilt will kick in and I will run around the house and pick up, start dinner and try to make it look like Ive accomplished something with my time all day.
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I should be doing with my days. I have stacks of pictures that I could be organizing. I have a gym that I could spend hours at all day and get into shape....I could .....do a lot of things. But nothing, nothing is inspiring me.
I'm trying really hard not to spiral down this winter. Some days are harder than others. Every once in awhile the sun comes out and I point my face upwards and let the warmth spread over me...some days that helps. I envision the grass underneath all of the snow...soaking up the moisture...creeping toward the surface...waiting and waiting till the sun and temperatures tell it that its time to come out and play. It seems so far away.
I could paint my nails..but that's really not me. I don't get big enjoyment from self pampering. I could go shopping..but I hate to shop..even on a good day.
Ugh...I hate winter. I think I need to make a list. I'm not sure of what yet. Things I want to accomplish in the next 3 months. One item a day....something that will get me more organized. Clean out the closet....sort threw all the clothes in the closet...man that sounds boring. But it needs to be done.
Lists...lists of things to do for myself. Read a book...but then I get so engrossed that I cant put it down and nothing gets done. I don't even know what I would put on it. I don't need anything...I really don't want anything....
The vacuum is calling me from across the room....maybe Ill edge the carpets...ick. Look in the many boxes in the basement and throw some crap out. Clean the girls rooms or maybe my own. Ok, this isn't sounding very good. But it needs to get done.
Someone please wake me up from my winter coma come spring. Drink in hand...fire pit beckoning from the backyard...lawnchairs..umbrellas...friends..and green...lots of green.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Journey To Faith
Many people go on journeys. You can set out to the Grand Canyon or climb your way to the top of a mountain. Your scariest journey may just be walking down the isle on your wedding day...lol
I feel like I have been on a journey for a number of years, one that I have yet to find the end of. My journey is in faith.
I know that this journey is never ending. I realize the path has numerous twists and turns and that sometimes I over think it. You would think that it should be easier, believe and you are saved.
I will say outright that I am a Christian. So to all of those who hold other beliefs you can continue knowing that fact.
I went to church as a child, I went to church as a teen. I was baptised and confirmed in my faith. And that is pretty much where the story ends. I have a feeling that I am not the only one whose journey in faith stalled at this point.
I think as we become adults we bring everything into question. I never questioned my faith I just questioned the building I was supposed to enter to "show" my faith to others. Yes, as you can probably tell....this is where my faith gets sticky.
Ive been thinking more about my faith as my children have gotten older. I admit that I have not done well in providing them with religious education. They were all baptised, the went to preschool in a church preschool, they were jumped around to different denominations throughout the years and never got a good grasp on religion. I think I talked myself into thinking that when they got older they could make up their own minds about what worked best for them. I didn't want to force beliefs on them but in the end I have left them without a firm foundation. Right now I am trying slowly to rectify that.
My husband is the exact opposite. He went to Moody Bible Institute and took Theology courses because he craves knowledge on all things. He has tried his hardest to get me to church and in the end he got "church" anyway he could without making me uncomfortable. We actually went pretty regular a few years back and I would have to leave the service because I would get panic attacks....yes...panic attacks! Who gets panic attacks in church? Me
Unfortunately this reinforced my crazy mind that I did not "belong" in church. That some higher power was telling me to leave (I know that is stupid) That I was not worthy.
Just recently, within actually the last couple of weeks I have admitted to myself that the reason I feel uncomfortable in church is because I feel unworthy. To much sin? To many questions? Not enough education about the church? I don't know.
I would see other people in church, you know the ones...the perfect ones..the ones who pretend to be perfect on Sunday morning and then....well you know. That made me sick to my stomach. People who I knew turned away from others in time of need....People who were materialistic and judgemental....I struggled with that...I did not want to be there and put a "face" on. I did not want to stand up and shake their hands only to be ignored by them during the week....Literally made my stomach turn.
My husband and I were speaking of this last Saturday night as I was trying to work up the courage to go to church on Sunday morning. He had just the right words for me...I cant remember what they are now..lol But basically the fact that I felt unworthy to be there was not such a bad thing. I shouldn't feel that I DESERVE to be in Gods house....there was a lot said between us but I don't think I could give his words justice by trying to repeat them.
My husband is a very giving man. He gives of his time when he can and has literally given the shoes off his feet...more than once. We sat a few times on our back deck on a Sunday morning and joked about "Tims Church" We would get into these long discussions about faith and family or something that he was learning....that was my church. That is where I felt at peace.
He volunteered for a few years at a christian based men's mission "Wayside Cross" in Aurora, IL. He basically worked with men who were addicted to drugs, abusers etc....He gave so much of himself.....and it did wear him down in a way. It was a very emotional, time consuming....worried in the middle of the night....phone calls at all hours...kind of thing...and it made me love him more.
I like this "working faith" I have a problem raising funds for new fancy million dollar churches...when money should go directly where it needs to go. I don't need to walk in and see 20 feet of stained glass...I don't want to walk in EVERY Sunday and hear about the new fundraiser that's planned for the new gym......attached to the church....
The final straw came to me one Sunday when my husband was trying to get people to attend a event to raise money for the mens mission. In a church of over 2000 people....not ONE person signed up for TWO Sundays......our neighbors and a few friends were the only ones to join us. Honestly that made me sick....It was a success but it could have been a lot more.
I really don't know where I am going with this. I have faith...I believe in Heaven...I believe that Jesus died for me and for you. I suppose I feel that I have not grown enough myself to be excepted. I feel unworthy to sit before God......as my husband says much better than I...We should all feel unworthy to some degree.
So I'm on my journey. Making some friends who seem rooted in faith...and not in a crazy way....Ill be having a beer with her soon.....lol.......I don't know where this journey will lead. I'm taking baby steps...
I feel like I have been on a journey for a number of years, one that I have yet to find the end of. My journey is in faith.
I know that this journey is never ending. I realize the path has numerous twists and turns and that sometimes I over think it. You would think that it should be easier, believe and you are saved.
I will say outright that I am a Christian. So to all of those who hold other beliefs you can continue knowing that fact.
I went to church as a child, I went to church as a teen. I was baptised and confirmed in my faith. And that is pretty much where the story ends. I have a feeling that I am not the only one whose journey in faith stalled at this point.
I think as we become adults we bring everything into question. I never questioned my faith I just questioned the building I was supposed to enter to "show" my faith to others. Yes, as you can probably tell....this is where my faith gets sticky.
Ive been thinking more about my faith as my children have gotten older. I admit that I have not done well in providing them with religious education. They were all baptised, the went to preschool in a church preschool, they were jumped around to different denominations throughout the years and never got a good grasp on religion. I think I talked myself into thinking that when they got older they could make up their own minds about what worked best for them. I didn't want to force beliefs on them but in the end I have left them without a firm foundation. Right now I am trying slowly to rectify that.
My husband is the exact opposite. He went to Moody Bible Institute and took Theology courses because he craves knowledge on all things. He has tried his hardest to get me to church and in the end he got "church" anyway he could without making me uncomfortable. We actually went pretty regular a few years back and I would have to leave the service because I would get panic attacks....yes...panic attacks! Who gets panic attacks in church? Me
Unfortunately this reinforced my crazy mind that I did not "belong" in church. That some higher power was telling me to leave (I know that is stupid) That I was not worthy.
Just recently, within actually the last couple of weeks I have admitted to myself that the reason I feel uncomfortable in church is because I feel unworthy. To much sin? To many questions? Not enough education about the church? I don't know.
I would see other people in church, you know the ones...the perfect ones..the ones who pretend to be perfect on Sunday morning and then....well you know. That made me sick to my stomach. People who I knew turned away from others in time of need....People who were materialistic and judgemental....I struggled with that...I did not want to be there and put a "face" on. I did not want to stand up and shake their hands only to be ignored by them during the week....Literally made my stomach turn.
My husband and I were speaking of this last Saturday night as I was trying to work up the courage to go to church on Sunday morning. He had just the right words for me...I cant remember what they are now..lol But basically the fact that I felt unworthy to be there was not such a bad thing. I shouldn't feel that I DESERVE to be in Gods house....there was a lot said between us but I don't think I could give his words justice by trying to repeat them.
My husband is a very giving man. He gives of his time when he can and has literally given the shoes off his feet...more than once. We sat a few times on our back deck on a Sunday morning and joked about "Tims Church" We would get into these long discussions about faith and family or something that he was learning....that was my church. That is where I felt at peace.
He volunteered for a few years at a christian based men's mission "Wayside Cross" in Aurora, IL. He basically worked with men who were addicted to drugs, abusers etc....He gave so much of himself.....and it did wear him down in a way. It was a very emotional, time consuming....worried in the middle of the night....phone calls at all hours...kind of thing...and it made me love him more.
I like this "working faith" I have a problem raising funds for new fancy million dollar churches...when money should go directly where it needs to go. I don't need to walk in and see 20 feet of stained glass...I don't want to walk in EVERY Sunday and hear about the new fundraiser that's planned for the new gym......attached to the church....
The final straw came to me one Sunday when my husband was trying to get people to attend a event to raise money for the mens mission. In a church of over 2000 people....not ONE person signed up for TWO Sundays......our neighbors and a few friends were the only ones to join us. Honestly that made me sick....It was a success but it could have been a lot more.
I really don't know where I am going with this. I have faith...I believe in Heaven...I believe that Jesus died for me and for you. I suppose I feel that I have not grown enough myself to be excepted. I feel unworthy to sit before God......as my husband says much better than I...We should all feel unworthy to some degree.
So I'm on my journey. Making some friends who seem rooted in faith...and not in a crazy way....Ill be having a beer with her soon.....lol.......I don't know where this journey will lead. I'm taking baby steps...
Friday, October 9, 2009
Nebraska Fan?
Last nights Nebraska game against Missouri got me thinking....What makes a good fan? Not just a "Oh the games on tonight..." fan, but a die hard, chew your nails...decked out in your teams colors..ignore your children fan?
I grew up in Nebraska. If your from Nebraska then you know that's all it takes to be a "Cornhusker Fan." If your out on a game day anywhere in the state you can hear the game..in the grocery stores...radio..pumping gas....at least that's the way it was when I was growing up.
If you were out on a Saturday and were not wearing red in some form or fashion you would get asked why. "Why aren't you wearing red? Are you not from here? Are you not a fan?" My father has these red and white stripped overalls and red cowboy hat that he used to wear back in the day. We had t-shirts and beer koozies, Nebraska flags and Nebraska rocks in our yard. We didn't think that was strange, that's just the way it was.
I have to admit that I have only been to memorial stadium once. I remember it was October and freezing....I don't remember who were playing, all I remember is the excitement...I was in awe..nothing, nothing has compared to seeing that game. Ive been to Wrigley Field...didn't compare..couldn't figure out why people thought the place was so great. Maybe if they came to Memorial Stadium they would say the same thing....I doubt it.
Ive lived out of state now for going on nine years and still and will always remain a die hard husker fan. Its amazing that if your from Nebraska you will search out other Nebraska fans wherever you are at. You see someone in the parking lot in WI with a NE shirt on...and you search them out...."You from Nebraska?" ---then the football talk starts..its always football. They might not have lived there for 20 years...but it doesn't matter, their your new best friend. You talk about how it sucks that you cant get any of the games on TV, have you ever been to a game? Do you still have family there? Remember the 80's?
Ive lived in Kansas-they have the Chiefs, Chicago-Bears, Cubs, White Sox and now Wisconsin-Packer territory.....I get asked a lot ......Bears fan? Packers fan?.....nahhh Husker fan!
Its not about their pay check...at least not yet. Its just football. Face paint, food, friends, a sea of red...balloons at the first touchdown....
This is an example of a husker fan.....When I first lived in Naperville IL there were quite a few games that I couldn't get. My sister would call me and set the phone next to the radio on her counter so I could listen to the game. Usually she would be in the bathroom....because when the game got to intense she couldn't take it and would have to leave the room...and if she was in the bathroom she couldn't hear the game. That left me screaming into the receiver when something good happened...only I wouldn't get a response for about two minutes until she got the nerve to come back out....it made for a long game.....Now if the game was actually televised she'd be even worse, pacing around the house, trying to talk to me...screaming with excitement and then trying to tell me what happened..which never worked...ugh.....
Ive had neighbors (Paul in Overland Park!) steal my Nebraska flag and hide it.... for that, un-known to him, drove around with a Nebraska magnet on his license plate for two weeks before he noticed....
I have raised Nebraska fans....doesn't matter that my girls haven't lived there forever. My oldest is at college in Chicago and we spent last night texting back and forth during the whole game...granted all of the text were not that nice... She is and will always be a husker! Doesn't matter her boyfriend was sitting in the stands at the Missouri game getting soaked in the rain....He goes to Missouri! But..being a husker fan, we will still welcome him at Thanksgiving...we will of course mess with him....but he will be welcomed...We will try to convert him to the red side.....
One of these days I will get back to Memorial Stadium. I would love to take all three of my girls to a game. Unless you've been there, felt that excitement...you just don't understand. I'm not even saying you have to be a Nebraska fan....if your the opposing team even....you see us as we are.....fans..not fanatics....old school...hometown...just bigger....small town...but bigger....friendly, loyal...a little crazy....always Big Red.
I suppose I didnt even answer my own question. What makes a good fan? In Nebraska you just are. And if your not...move to Iowa so we can atleast have another reason to not like you.
I grew up in Nebraska. If your from Nebraska then you know that's all it takes to be a "Cornhusker Fan." If your out on a game day anywhere in the state you can hear the game..in the grocery stores...radio..pumping gas....at least that's the way it was when I was growing up.
If you were out on a Saturday and were not wearing red in some form or fashion you would get asked why. "Why aren't you wearing red? Are you not from here? Are you not a fan?" My father has these red and white stripped overalls and red cowboy hat that he used to wear back in the day. We had t-shirts and beer koozies, Nebraska flags and Nebraska rocks in our yard. We didn't think that was strange, that's just the way it was.
I have to admit that I have only been to memorial stadium once. I remember it was October and freezing....I don't remember who were playing, all I remember is the excitement...I was in awe..nothing, nothing has compared to seeing that game. Ive been to Wrigley Field...didn't compare..couldn't figure out why people thought the place was so great. Maybe if they came to Memorial Stadium they would say the same thing....I doubt it.
Ive lived out of state now for going on nine years and still and will always remain a die hard husker fan. Its amazing that if your from Nebraska you will search out other Nebraska fans wherever you are at. You see someone in the parking lot in WI with a NE shirt on...and you search them out...."You from Nebraska?" ---then the football talk starts..its always football. They might not have lived there for 20 years...but it doesn't matter, their your new best friend. You talk about how it sucks that you cant get any of the games on TV, have you ever been to a game? Do you still have family there? Remember the 80's?
Ive lived in Kansas-they have the Chiefs, Chicago-Bears, Cubs, White Sox and now Wisconsin-Packer territory.....I get asked a lot ......Bears fan? Packers fan?.....nahhh Husker fan!
Its not about their pay check...at least not yet. Its just football. Face paint, food, friends, a sea of red...balloons at the first touchdown....
This is an example of a husker fan.....When I first lived in Naperville IL there were quite a few games that I couldn't get. My sister would call me and set the phone next to the radio on her counter so I could listen to the game. Usually she would be in the bathroom....because when the game got to intense she couldn't take it and would have to leave the room...and if she was in the bathroom she couldn't hear the game. That left me screaming into the receiver when something good happened...only I wouldn't get a response for about two minutes until she got the nerve to come back out....it made for a long game.....Now if the game was actually televised she'd be even worse, pacing around the house, trying to talk to me...screaming with excitement and then trying to tell me what happened..which never worked...ugh.....
Ive had neighbors (Paul in Overland Park!) steal my Nebraska flag and hide it.... for that, un-known to him, drove around with a Nebraska magnet on his license plate for two weeks before he noticed....
I have raised Nebraska fans....doesn't matter that my girls haven't lived there forever. My oldest is at college in Chicago and we spent last night texting back and forth during the whole game...granted all of the text were not that nice... She is and will always be a husker! Doesn't matter her boyfriend was sitting in the stands at the Missouri game getting soaked in the rain....He goes to Missouri! But..being a husker fan, we will still welcome him at Thanksgiving...we will of course mess with him....but he will be welcomed...We will try to convert him to the red side.....
One of these days I will get back to Memorial Stadium. I would love to take all three of my girls to a game. Unless you've been there, felt that excitement...you just don't understand. I'm not even saying you have to be a Nebraska fan....if your the opposing team even....you see us as we are.....fans..not fanatics....old school...hometown...just bigger....small town...but bigger....friendly, loyal...a little crazy....always Big Red.
I suppose I didnt even answer my own question. What makes a good fan? In Nebraska you just are. And if your not...move to Iowa so we can atleast have another reason to not like you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Life Goes On and On and On
Life goes on.
It seems like there is no possible way that a month has passed since my sister passed away. It seems like yesterday or at least last week that the entire family was sleeping by her bedside and scattered around the waiting room into the wee hours of the night (or nights)
Life has continued.
Her beautiful youngest daughter is continuing to blossom with pregnancy, her oldest just got engaged and the middle one is attempting to raise her puppy! I'm settling in out of state and winter is fast approaching.
The future.
Its hard to look out over the next couple of months and to guess what life will be like. How do you celebrate the holidays? How will we be when our nieces daughter is born without her grandma to coo over her? How will I not look in stores for the one special gift for my sister that we secretly gave each other every year at Christmas? Will we know the difference between tears of joy and tears of sadness when her oldest walks down the isle?
I suppose that lifes lessons are not always enjoyable ones. Who wants to learn how to grieve? Who wants to learn how to smile through tears? Who wants to learn to be happy about the little things and big things without guilt? So hard.
We've all survived the last thirty days. Life has went on, babies will be born, vows will be exchanged and the holidays will soon creep upon us. Our family will continue to grow...not only in size but in strength.
I think death can tear apart a family or can bring it together. I'm not sure much could tear apart this one though. We are all stubborn, loud and opinionated.....Jims sons and daughters with a little of Dawn thrown in to keep us grounded. We have passed this on to our children..the nieces (all of them) and our poor little nephew...hopefully he survives.
I have a little sign on my wall that I read everyday...because its there.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Maybe we all worry about the destination to much and don't focus enough on the journey. And maybe we should pay attention more to who is on the journey with us.
Family
Friends
Neighbors
It might be bumpy, full of holes and u-turns, but there is nobody in the world I would like to have had to take this journey with then the ones I have...
It seems like there is no possible way that a month has passed since my sister passed away. It seems like yesterday or at least last week that the entire family was sleeping by her bedside and scattered around the waiting room into the wee hours of the night (or nights)
Life has continued.
Her beautiful youngest daughter is continuing to blossom with pregnancy, her oldest just got engaged and the middle one is attempting to raise her puppy! I'm settling in out of state and winter is fast approaching.
The future.
Its hard to look out over the next couple of months and to guess what life will be like. How do you celebrate the holidays? How will we be when our nieces daughter is born without her grandma to coo over her? How will I not look in stores for the one special gift for my sister that we secretly gave each other every year at Christmas? Will we know the difference between tears of joy and tears of sadness when her oldest walks down the isle?
I suppose that lifes lessons are not always enjoyable ones. Who wants to learn how to grieve? Who wants to learn how to smile through tears? Who wants to learn to be happy about the little things and big things without guilt? So hard.
We've all survived the last thirty days. Life has went on, babies will be born, vows will be exchanged and the holidays will soon creep upon us. Our family will continue to grow...not only in size but in strength.
I think death can tear apart a family or can bring it together. I'm not sure much could tear apart this one though. We are all stubborn, loud and opinionated.....Jims sons and daughters with a little of Dawn thrown in to keep us grounded. We have passed this on to our children..the nieces (all of them) and our poor little nephew...hopefully he survives.
I have a little sign on my wall that I read everyday...because its there.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Maybe we all worry about the destination to much and don't focus enough on the journey. And maybe we should pay attention more to who is on the journey with us.
Family
Friends
Neighbors
It might be bumpy, full of holes and u-turns, but there is nobody in the world I would like to have had to take this journey with then the ones I have...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gotta Try....because my big sister says so......
Ok, So its been awhile...a long while....
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
It seems sometimes that life decides to throw everything at you at once. Happiness, sadness, death and change. Sometimes you just want to kick life in the ass but its to busy kicking yours. Im sure Im not the only one who has had moments in life like this and Im sure others have had worse...
Moving to a different state, not knowing anyone, kids pissed at you, daughter leaving for college, sister dying, family hundreds of miles away.....house up for sale in a different state....not selling...go figure..getting used to a spouse all over again after having a weekend marriage for the last two and half years....(that part is going better than we expected)
I really didnt want to get on here and sound like a weeping mess, thats probably why I havent written anything for quite awhile. Usually stuff just comes tumbling out of my head but it just hasnt been that easy lately.
Ive never had to deal with death like Im having to deal with it now. There is no way to put into words the way your heart actually hurts...not in a emotional way but an actual physical way. Your memories come into you head and "Wham!" you chest tightens.....and you can actually feel ill. I cant imagine the people out there who have lost a child..I cant imagine my own parents pain. Mine is enough. How do they survive it?
My sister, my Big Sis!, my friend, my oldest sibling, my only sister......my first borns birthday buddy..my emergency babysitter when my kids were little. My chef....who could never give me a recipe because she never wrote them down and now they are gone with her.....My tanning buddy, my drinking and smoking over the phone into the wee hours of the night buddy...the one who I would get so frustrated with........and Im sure her with me.
Trying not to feel guilt is the hardest. Guilt for the little things and also the big things. Guilt for living...guilt for having had it a little easier...depending on how you look at things. Guilt for being able to watch her grandbabies grow up into beautiful women.....guilt for being able to enjoy her beautiful daughters....
I know she is hovering over me pissed off right now wanting to smack me in the head...sometimes I can hear her voice calling me stupid.....she'd be like...whatever! get over it..its done....just make sure my kids dont screw something up......make sure someones taking care of my dog...and be happy....idiot...man, enough is enough...that would be Kimber.....
She would be pained to know that someone was in pain about her....she would be mad to know that I am having a hard time focusing through the tears writing this...she would want to say something to make it better but wouldnt know what to say...so it would come out as a smartass remark...because that was us...thats who we are...thats how are family is....a bunch of smart asses with alot of love.....Ohhh....it hurts like hell...its hard to breathe....its all consuming..and then the pains gone for a little while and you try to smile. You remember something funny that you did together...(standing up and cheering at a Husker touchdown at the bar and then realizing it was a replay).....and you smile.....then you wait for the pain and it doesnt come......
The pain is getting spread out a little more as the days go by. It doesnt seem to come every hour anymore....there is a little guilt for that also....I know it takes time...time is just soooo long...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call heaven...because I know what I would hear.....
"hey...can I call you right back? Im kinda busy......"
Gotta love her
Gotta miss her
Gotta cry tears over her
Gotta smile
Gotta laugh
Gotta remember
Gotta live
Gotta try
Because she would want me too......
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